The first step is the biggest
by livelovelaugh91
Summary: Something terrible happened to Clare so she's decided to take her life to end the pain. Will Eli be able to help her? Mature for language and sexual content. Very very very dark!
1. Chapter 1

**So this is gonna be a ones hot. It's extremely dark and disturbing and the characters are all out of whack. You have been warned! **

**Clare**

Seven, the number that used to be lucky. The number gamblers across the world hope to see in quantities of three when they play the slots. Seven isn't a lucky number for me though. In fact it's a number that taughts me and asks me why I'm still living this pathetic life of mine. The number seven is a number that will forever haunt my mind.

_Alli and I walked into the party. The music was blasting and the strobe lights were making the people rave out. Alli went to find Drew and I wandered aimlessly around the Eli's house. This was a nice place…without the bubble machine that is. I can see why people think he's cool… I guess he seems okay but I've never really talked to him… _

_I ended up by the punchbowl. I'm not much of a partier; I'm more of a wall flower so I just guarded the snacks. I noticed suddenly that Johnny DiMarco was standing across the room. He was looking at me. He probably wants to ask me where Alli is. It would serve him right to see her in the arms of another guy after the way he treated her. That stupid grease ball!_

_Johnny's eerie gazing creeped me out and the punch took a toll on my bladder so I had to pee. I escaped to the bathroom. That's funny; you can barely hear the music from this hallway. No couples were smooching in the hallway and no guys were smoking weed in it which is unusual during house parties. This hallway was completely vacant…_

_I peed and I washed my hands. When I opened the bathroom door Johnny was standing there. He looked me over menacingly. I didn't know what he wanted but I was going to find out._

"_What do you want? I'll never tell you about Alli."_

"_Who said anything about Alli? It's you I want a piece of."_

"_What? Ew… don't hold your breath!"_

"_Oh but I'm already exhaling."_

_ He pulled me into one of the hall's rooms. I fought against him, kicking and clawing at him but nothing helped me. He pushed me into the room. It was dark and I couldn't see anything. I felt him tearing at my clothes. The dress I was wearing was ripped off and so were my panties. I threw punches but they only landed in air. Suddenly the lights came on and I was sitting in the floor exposed. I got up and I attempted to attack Johnny again but he was too strong. He dragged me over to the bed. I struggled against him still so he hit me in the stomach to slow me down. It knocked all the wind out of me. He cuffed me to the bed. My arms and legs were gapped open. I screamed… I screamed as hard as I could but that didn't work because nobody was there. Eventually he put duct tape over my mouth and my screams were muted. I tried to free myself but it was useless._

_ I watched in horror as six guys came into the room. I didn't know them but I could tell that they were from Lakehurst. They all handed Johnny twenty bucks as they looked at me with thirsty eyes. I squirmed more, still trying to free myself as Johnny walked over to me, his erect penis in his hand. This isn't happening to me!_

_ He pushed into me hard. I let out a shriek that was muted by the tape over my mouth. Tears fell down my cheeks as he thrusted himself into me with everything he had. It felt like my body was being ripped in two...torn apart. He came inside me, there was no condom…_

_ One by one the guys all lined up. They laughed when they saw me trying to get away because my attempts were futile. I think my fear turned them on more. I yanked at the cuffs so hard that my wrists started to bleed. Blood ran down my arms as the second guy got on me and pushed inside of me. No condom with him either… I cried harder than I've ever cried as this stranger violated my body, causing me unimaginable pain as he hit the wall of my cervix repeatedly. When he was done with me he shot the sperm onto my breasts…._

_ By the fifth guy I'd stopped screaming because I knew nobody was ever going to come rescue me from this. Instead I just cried as raped me. He stuck two fingers into my anus, violating me even more and he roughly moved in and out of me. He smelled like paint remover and body odor. I wanted to scream out like I'd done before; hoping that maybe this time somebody would hear me but I knew it was pointless. He came…no condom._

_ The last guy, the seventh raped me even more savagely than the others… even though the pain was unreal, more unreal than the previous six I'd stopped shedding my tears. They were useless just like screaming and hoping to be saved from this nightmare. When he was done with me he came inside me like the others. The guys left the room. Johnny was only there now._

"_I bet you want to know why Clare? Don't you? If it hadn't been for you always judging and downing me Alli and I would still be together and she wouldn't be with that jerk. She wouldn't have aborted our child! You hear that Clare, you are a killer! This is your fault so now I'm showing you the whore you really are. I bet you don't feel so holy with the cum of six men oozing out of you! I bet you don't think of yourself as such a saint with that jizz on your titties…because you aren't holy or a saint…you are just a whore Clare! A soiled, dirty whore!"_

_ Johnny punched me and I went unconscious. When I woke up I wasn't cuffed anymore. I was still naked though. My body hurt. I tried to walk but I barley could. I knew I had to break away though. I quickly limped out of the room like a wild, wounded animal. I ran downstairs just to run into Elijah Goldsworthy…._

"_Oh my god! What's…are you okay?"_

_ I dropped to my knees before yelling out and going hysterical._

"_Ahhhhhhh! Whhyyyyyyyyyyy! It was seven! It was seven! Ahhhhh!"_

_ I blacked out after that moment. I woke up in the hospital. The doctor was about to put me to sleep so that they could do surgery to repair my vaginal tearing. I gave the police Johnny's name but since I didn't know the other guys I couldn't identify them. I wanted to die. I felt like a whore. I started to think maybe I was a whore who deserved it. Maybe Johnny was right…_

_ I had to live with the memory of that night. I'd vomit whenever I'd think about it. For months I waited, scared and worried that one of these rapists had further ended my life by giving me an STD. HIV, Chlamydia, Gonorrhea and others came to mind as I thought about my attackers' lack of regard for me. I guess rapists aren't big on being considerate. When I found out I was clean I could only breathe a small sigh of relief. Every night I woke to night terrors if I even went to sleep at all. All I can think about is those seven men violating my body…Six strangers and someone I used to know. _

_ I left Degrassi after the incident. Though it hadn't gotten out I couldn't bear to show my ugly face there with my defaced body. I looked at the purity ring on my finger taunting me. It was merely a joke now. I placed it in a box with other memories. All of my virtue had been taken that night by seven men…_

I stood at the top of the building thinking of that night two years ago. I'm tired of living and I'm tired of having to think about those sick motherfuckers. Johnny got ten years in jail but he can get parole after five years because he ratted out the other guys. Luckily the case wasn't televised. It's bad enough that I have to know and face humiliation every time I look into the mirror.

I prepared to free myself. I got to the ledge and I was about to take the first step, which they say is the biggest. Someone suddenly grabbed me and pulled me down from the ledge. I fought at them but it done no good. This person dragged me into the building and locked the door to the roof. I continued fighting against them though they tried to calm me. That's when I noticed this guy was Elijah Goldsworthy.

"Clare Edwards?"

"Yeah…"

"I'm Eli…"

"I know who you are, why'd you stop me?"

"I had to save you… I couldn't let you end your life."

"You should have."

"I haven't seen you since high school…you disappeared…"

"Wouldn't you become a ghost after being cuffed to a bed, raped and ejaculated in by seven guys?"

"I'm sorry that happened to you. I didn't know that was happening to you."

"I know. It was a big house and my mouth was taped."

**Eli**

Here she is again. The girl who inhabited a thought I'd tried repeatedly to push to the back of my mind. No matter how hard I tried though I could never forget her. How she was running naked, bruised with blood and sperm running down her legs with her wrists bloody. At first I didn't know what to think but when she'd collapsed I knew what happened. Those seven sick bastards. Those seven rapists. I just wish I'd known about it that night. I didn't hear a thing and I didn't know anything was happening but I still feel partially responsible because it was my house. It was my house that will always hold that memory for her.

I remember after that night the police taped off that wing of my house for a week so that they could gather evidence for the case. The bedspread was covered in blood. There were cracks in the wall from where she tried to fight. Those slime balls… those spiritual murderers. I was angry to hear they only got five years. They should have gotten life.

I looked Clare over. She didn't look like the same girl I knew. She was no longer wearing her signature cross necklace and her once bright blue eyes were cold and lifeless. Even her hair looked dead. It once sparkled and bounced now it was weighted down and dull-looking. Her skin was pale. She looked like she belonged in a coffin but I can't blame her after what happened.

"Look… I know you can't technically let me kill myself so you leave and I'll just jump like I planned… You are the only person from my old life who knows what happened that night. You should let me end my suffering."

"Clare I can't let you kill yourself. Look…I'm an intern for Hunter and Hunter psychological services. Mrs. Helen Hunter specializes in sexual abuse and rape. I'm an intern there it's on the third floor… I can get you in and you can talk to somebody…"

"I don't want to talk to anybody! It was bad enough having to tell what happened word for word in front of a jury, judges and attorneys! Now you expect me to tell some shrink. What is she going to do? Give me pills to help me take myself out?"

"No… She can help you. Clare I don't want you to die."

"Eli you don't know me and I doubt you've given any thought to me after I left Degrassi."

"Clare I have given lots of thought to you! I'm always thinking about how you ran into me that night. Most of the time I cry like a baby when I remember hearing what the police said happened to you!"

"Why do you cry?"

"Because Clare…it's sad and horrible. Those guys should have been murdered for what they done. Killing yourself will only give them power. Don't let them have your power. Don't let them have your life Clare! Dammit come with me!"

I stretched out my hand to her and she placed hers in mine. We got on the elevator to go down. To think… If I'd never escaped to the roof to have a cigarette Clare would have killed herself. It must have been fate that she chose this building to jump off of and that I came up there when I did.

Clare sat in the lobby. I asked the receptionist to make sure she didn't leave. I went into Mrs. Hunter's office. She was clicking on the computer, which usually means she's playing Wedding Dash or some game like that.

"Eli?"

"I need a favor."

"Go on."

"A friend of mine… She needs your services."

"You know I don't do freebies."

"Please! I found her on the roof about to jump when I was taking my smoking break."

"Whoa…Well send her in but you owe me. It's going to take an hour. I better have a hot caramel macchiato with extra caramel and extra whipped cream waiting on me by the time this hour is up."

"Yes ma'am."

"Make it a Venti."

"Thanks!"

Clare was sitting in the chair looking around. She looked rather uncomfortable and somewhat out of it. She does have a lot going on. That's probably the lot of it. I closed the door and I went to the Starbucks around the corner and it was closed so I had to walk to the one a few blocks away and wait in line for an eternity. I managed to make it back in an hour exactly. Clare was walking out of Dr. Hunter's office wiping tears and trying to catch her breath. I placed my hand on her shoulder and Dr. Hunter's door flew open.

"Oh thanks for the coffee Eli. Clare… remember I will see you this time next week."

"Yes Dr. Hunter."

I walked her to the elevator. I wanted to know what happened in there but I knew she probably wouldn't tell me.

"I just told her what happened."

"How do you feel?"

"Still horrible but Dr. Hunter says that's a normal reaction and that I have to go through this stage and make a breakthrough to feel not so bad again."

"Clare, you are going to be okay."

"I hope so."

There she went. The girl whose eyes used to sparkle like diamonds. Horrible people tried to break her and they almost succeeded but I think she will overcome what happened and be okay in the end because I'm going to make sure she's alright and if I don't then I'll be damned.

**Reviews… **


	2. Chapter 2

_**So this was originally a one shot but…I changed my mind =b **_

_**Oh and you know what to do after the story…drop a review because I want to hear from you! (that rhymes)**_

**Clare**

I walked into the place I call work. It smells like cigarettes, liquor, vomit and sweat. I don't know why people come here. I guess for some people pleasure comes in disgusting places. I went into the back and I started getting dressed. The girls were prepping themselves. Some to go on stage, some to work the tables. They were all talking about their night or they days off. I never really talk to them. I guess I just don't have much to say. I never have anything to say.

When I was done painting myself up I slipped on the black lace underwear and I put on the red silky robe. I pinned my hair up in a bun and then it was time to go into the box. I stepped in and I got myself together. Fabio, the owner of the club stood into the doorway of the cursed box.

"Clare you look good tonight."

"Uh huh…."

"You're late again."

"I'm always late."

"If you didn't rake in so much money. It's amazing how much money these poor suckers will spend to see you…a dollar for fifteen seconds."

"Well that is the price."

"Have you thought about what I offered you?"

"You mean when you offered to give me three grand to fuck me? No."

"Clare not only that. I could take care of you. You could get out of this box and be and main attraction."

"I like my box Fabio."

"Alright alright Clare… just know that when you're ready to make some real money and live good…I'll be waiting."

He's disgusting and greasy. Like almost all the guys who come here. I sat waiting for the curtain to rise. Just liked every day it did and there sat some balding fat guy with sweat coming through his shirt. I turned around to look at him. He was locked in… When the curtain fell it wasn't ten seconds before he put another dollar into the machine. I untied to ropes of the robe and I slowly started opening it. The curtain fell again, her put in another dollar. I slowly let the robe slip off of my shoulders. The curtain shut again. When I opened the curtain again… I let the robe completely fall. I noticed his hand moving up and down over his cock. Nasty fucker. By the time I took off my bra he'd already shelled out fifty bucks. These men are stupid. They could go the club portion and see tits for nothing… a dollar but instead they come here to see mine for fifty dollars.

That's how my night went. Strange men coming in, paying ridiculous amounts to see tiny motions and portions of skin. Sometimes I think they will come to their senses and realize they could be seeing all of this for less but they just keep flowing in. One guy paid seventy bucks for thirty minutes. I started to dance. I stared at the wall just above his head. That gave him the impression that I was looking into his eyes. Nasty fucker.

While I danced I thought about today. I still wish Eli had let me jump and end my life. He always has seemed like the good guy type. He was a little dark but still nice. Before I… before the incident I would have fallen for him. Hell, he probably would have corrupted me a little. I was so good before that happened. I was so…clean. Sometimes I think about how good and clean I was and I just feel helpless because I know that no matter how much I scrub my skin with bleach,soap and steel wool… I will never be that clean again. I was clean and I was radiant. I had it all. I had a life…religion...a family…friends. I had normalcy. Now, I'm just some slut who dances inside a box so that perverts can bust their nuts. I'm just some…junkie. I'm merely a shadow in the world. I'm not quite human, at least I don't feel that way but I'm not dead either. I'm just a shadow. Invisible but not quite, acknowledged but not really and dark…completely dark.

Hours passed and it seemed like I was in that damned box for a lifetime. It's like this every time. I felt something resembling relief when the light came in the room. Great, it's closing. I grabbed my tips from the little tip slot. Mostly coins and dollars. I put it in a bag and then I went into Fabio's office. There was a line. It's payday.

I was the last to get my check. He held onto it while looking at me.

"Why should I give you this check?"

"I worked for it."

"Is that reason enough?"

"It better be."

"Alright beautiful… Take your check and think about it again."

I didn't even respond to that. I'd kill us both before I let him put his oily hands all over me with his rotting teeth, beer belly and moth-ball odor! I started on the walk home. This part of town isn't known for its safety but my motel is close. I walked up the stairs and into the roach ridden room. I'm hungry but I'd rather fill my belly with booze than food. I got my half empty bottle of scotch and I turned it up. That hits the spot. I took some Oxycontin and I stepped into the shower. The drug and alcohol started to affect me while I was scrubbing away the nastiness of the night with a brillo pad and Clorox. It just feels like I can never be clean enough after being in that place. Not that this place is clean but… that club is downright foul. I guess that's why I was drawn to it.

I lay back on the bed still naked and wet from the shower. I started to think about my parents. I haven't seen them in years. I haven't seen anybody in years…. I remember the last time I saw them. Their nice, clean faces in the nice clean house I grew up in.

_I was catatonic like I always was these days. Most of the time I was thinking about what I could have done differently that night to prevent what happened to me. Maybe if I'd danced instead of held up the wall Johnny would have never spotted me. Or maybe, if I hadn't been so greedy and I didn't drink so much punch I never would have had to pee. If I'd go to the movies with my mom and dad like they asked then it surely wouldn't have happened. So many things that could have made this outcome different. So many things I could have done to prevent me from being soiled and discarded like a used condom._

_My mother came in with food like usual. I haven't moved from this spot all day. I don't like to touch too much in the house because I don't want to sully it with my nasty hands. I can't touch the silverware because if I do it will never be clean enough for use again. She may as well burn it._

"_Clare, baby I made your favorite. Salisbury steak with mashed potatoes and peach pie."_

"…_.I'm not hungry."_

"_Come on, just a little. You haven't eaten all day."_

"_I'm not hungry."_

"_Please? It would make me feel better."_

"…_."_

"_Well I will just leave this plate with you. Call me if you need anything. I love you sweetie."_

"_No you don't."_

"_I do Clare. You are my baby."_

"_You can't love me mom. I'm… you just can't love me."_

_She walked out of the room with tears rolling down her cheeks. I heard her and my father talking outside my door. They both sounded distressed and upset…_

"_Randall I don't know what to do! She's so empty! I want so badly to hug her and hold her in my arms but she won't let me! She won't even accept my love."_

"_Helen what can we do? We've taken her to nearly all the therapists in the city. We've had her hypnotized and prayed over what else can we do?"_

"_I don't know… Maybe we should take her to church."_

_My mother walked into the room and sat beside me. M y father stood in the doorway, careful not to make me feel too crowded._

"_Clare would you like to go to mass Sunday?"_

"_No."_

"_Baby you used to love church. We will all go as a family and then we will go out to eat like the old days."_

"_No…"_

"_Oh… Tell me if you change your mind."_

_They walked out of the room. In my cleaner days mass and lunch would have been ideal but I don't want to bring my filth into the house of the Lord. I'm an abomination and a disgrace. I don't even deserve to wear the symbol of Jesus. That's why I won't allow myself to wear my cross necklace anymore. I'm simply too polluted to carry that sign._

_When my parents went to bed I walked out, taking nothing but all the money I had. Then I disappeared into the night. They don't deserve me as a burden any longer. I'm relieving them of their inconvenience. I know I am inconvenient to them though they won't say it. _

_I left the house and I wandered into the streets…the darkness consumed me fully and wrapped around me like a cocoon. It led me to a grimy hotel and a few days later it led me to a strip club where I lied about my age and began working as a peep show dancer. Darkness led me there…_

Darkness led me here….

**Eli**

I sat in my dorm room going over the notes from my class and studying for the big test I have tomorrow, at least that's what I tried to do but it was pointless. I couldn't get Clare off of my mind today. She and Dr. Hunter have an appointment for next week but I wonder if she will show up? I still can't believe I ran into her after all this time. I mean the last time I'd even heard anything about her it was through Degrassi's rumor mill. They said she'd run away from home but nobody said, or knew why. I did though. I had the burden of being a secret keeper.

Once the investigation was finished in that house we sold it and we left. None of us could bear walking by that room. Even though we'd plastered the walls, changed the bed and cleaned the carpet, there was still this overwhelming sense of helplessness so my parents put the house on the market and we moved to some new pent houses a few blocks away. My parents never talked about what happened but I knew they thought about it. Every so often my mother would ask me if I'd seen Clare. I'd always tell her no because after that night I didn't see her again… not until now.

I tried again to focus on my work but then my rowdy roommates came in singing Dead Hands songs and stumbling drunkenly. There was a concert tonight but I didn't go. I had too much to do. Schoolwork, files for Dr. Hunter. My load was just too heavy tonight to rock out to the Dead Hands.

"Eli dude! You missed an awesome show my man!"

"That goes without saying guys. How was it anyway?"

"One word… Awesome! There was crowd surfing and everything."  
"Cool."

"So why did you blow it off again?"

"Homework."

"Ahhh you are so responsible. Who's ever heard of a sophomore who takes the maximum allowed credits with an internship?"

"You two apparently have now because that's me."

"Well anyway dude, have fun fucking your books and post it notes… We are going out to get some bonafide, wet, funky, pussy."

"I will definitely pass on the funk."

"If it ain't funky it ain't good!"

"I beg to differ…See you guys later."

I had peace and quiet again. It is a Friday night so I guess I could take a little break. Nah, I need to study so I will. If I can take my mind off Clare. It was useless because my mind drifted back to her anyway.

_The police were all over my house. They were getting samples of DNA from the carpet and grilling the hell out of me. I told them everything I knew. I couldn't believe what I saw or what I heard. Clare was raped by seven guys. My parents arrived as the police were wrapping up for that night._

"_Elijah, what's happened here? You better start explaining young man."_

"_Mom…Dad… I swear I didn't know! I had a party here but I swear I didn't know they were doing that to her! Had I know I would have stopped them!"_

"_Elijah? What happened?"_

"_Clare Edwards… She was raped by seven men in one of the upstairs bedroom… They cuffed her to the bed and raped her. She was hysterical."_

"_Oh my god!"_

_The police talked to my parents and then the house turned silent. Nobody knew what to say. We sent flowers to the hospital and I tried to go visit but there were no visitors allowed… Within the next few weeks I listened for rumors about her. I was ready to defend her against any slanderers or loudmouths…but there were none. The last thing I heard of her in the rumor mill was that she didn't go to Degrassi anymore. Nobody knew why, not even her best friend but I did. I never told a soul what happened besides my parents. _

I snapped out of my trance and I decided to go to bed. Sometimes I have trouble sleeping so I took some Lunesta and I watched the cooking channel. The repetitive motions of the chef's hands tranquilized me and the Lunesta put me to sleep…


	3. Chapter 3

**Clare**

I walked into the therapist's office. Though it was warm on the inside I didn't remove my gloves. I didn't want to contaminate the space. I signed in and I paced around in the waiting room. Eli passed through with a ton of papers in his hands. He saw me and he smiled and waved. He went into the office and came back out immediately.

"So how's it going Clare?"

"It's going."

"Are you okay?"

"No. Are you?"

"I um…I'm alright."

"Oh. Good I guess."

"Dr. Hunter is gonna be late. She had a really intense session last hour and the patient threw up everywhere. They are cleaning the carpet now but she asked me to take you to lunch. My treat."

"I…no. I will just come back."

"Come on Clare. Everybody's got to eat and I hate eating alone. Join me please?"

"Alright alright geez… Somewhere with booze please?"

"Sorry… I'm not old enough to drink legally so that means you aren't old enough to drink."

"What is old enough to drink anyway?"

"Twenty one."

"What a load of bullshit."

"It's the law Clare!"

"Law slaw."

"Come on Clare."

I hate restaurants. If I go to them it's usually the rundown fast food ones. I don't really like being around people. That's another reason why I like the box at "work". It doesn't require really being around people because I'm always separated from them by the glass. I never hear their voices, smell them or have them touch me so it's sometimes like they aren't really there. But a restaurant…being shoulder to shoulder with all those people! Ugh!

I followed Eli to the garage where he clicked the lock to a Range Rover. It's a nice car… now I sort of feel a little anxiety about having to get in it.

"What's the matter? Get in."

"I... I thought you drove a hearse."

"Oh I do drive that too but only on the weekends."

"How nice… are you sure we can't walk? Get some fresh air?"

"Clare get in the car. You have to get over your compulsion."

"Compulsion? What compulsion?"

"The gloves, the anxiety about riding in the car, the refusal to sit down in the waiting room…Clare your behavior is compulsive."

"Eli I just… I …your car looks clean."

"Yes because I put it through the carwash. What does that have to do with anything?"

"I don't want to…"

"The car will be fine Clare because nothing is wrong with you."

"You're sure?"

"Positive."

I got in the car. Gosh it even still has that new car smell. After I get out it will probably reek…just like me. We went to lunch at TGI Fridays. At my request we were able to get a table away from everybody because it wasn't crowded. The waitress came to order our drinks. She looks young and innocent.

"What will you have to drink today?"

"I'll have a glass of Captain Morgan."

"I need to see some ID miss."

"I forgot it at home."

"I'm sorry it's policy miss. We can't serve alcoholic beverages without seeing ID first. Might I offer you some of our excellent non-alcoholic choices?"

"No. I'll just have ice."

"I'll have coke. Thanks."

"I'll have that ice and your coke right out."

She did bring the ice out quickly. I sat there crunching on the ice while trying to make sure the cup didn't touch my lips. I felt myself getting aggressive. I didn't get to have a real drink today because my bottle broke. I guess I'm starting to feel a little anxious about that and to top it off I forgot my oxy. I shook my leg nervously. Eli's glaring wasn't making it any better."

"Do you have a fucking eye problem?"

"I don't know… maybe I fucking do. I want to ask you a question. Will you answer honestly?"

"That depends."

"Are you an alcoholic?"

"Yes."

"Wow, usually that is a lot harder to get people to answer."

"Why lie about it? Why? What are you doing giving Dr. Hunter information to pad my file?"

"No, I just wanted to know."

"So Eli, my turn to ask a question."

"Ask away."

"How's your life?"

"Hectic with school and the internship."

"Must be nice."

"What must be nice?"

"College."

"Oh…It's alright. Do you go?"

"Eli, you should know by now that I don't go to school… I didn't even graduate."

"Oh. Why should I know that?"

"Because, you just should have known."

"Well what do you do?"

"Come to live girls on weeknights and you will see."

"You are an exotic dancer?"

"No, I'm not a stripper… at least not a conventional one."

"An escort?"

"No, not a hooker either. I work the peep show boxes."

"Oh. That's retro."

"What a nice way to describe it."

After that the lunch was silent. I wasn't really hungry so I only got a small appetizer dish since Eli refused to let me leave without eating. When we got back to Dr. Hunter's office she was ready for me and I went right in.

"Hi Clare, how was your lunch."

"Stressful."

"Eli doesn't strike me as the type to be overbearing."

"Oh no, Eli was okay. I just… I'm not big on restaurants."

"Why?"

"Because I don't know."

"Yes you do. What comes to mind when you think of them?"

"Normal."

"Yes, restaurants are normal so why not go to them?"

"Because I'm not."

"What makes you think that?'

"Can't you see it?"

"See what Clare?"

"I'm filthy like a hobo. I don't belong in a restaurant making their shiny silverware murky and turning their customer's stomachs."

"Clare, let's look in the mirror shall we?"

"Why?"

"Let's see what's really there."

She put the mirror to my face. I felt uncomfortable with her subtly touching me but I didn't say anything for fear that she'd slap me with another ton of psycho babble.

"Clare what do you see?"

"My face."

"Do you see anything on it?"

"Just my skin…"

"What does it look like?"

"Dirty and packed with grease."

"Your hair?

"Oily and nasty."

"Well Clare do you want to know what I see?"

"No because you aren't looking close enough."

"Oh but I am and I don't see a speck of dirt on you. In fact you smell of bleach. Why is that Clare?"

"I bathe in it."

"Why?"

"Because that's the only thing that can make me feel partially clean. When I scrub my skin with bleach and the brillo pad that is the only way I feel almost clean…but not ever completely."

"Why?"

"Because I'm still always covered in dirt Dr. Hunter."

**Eli**

Clare came out of Dr. Hunter's office still looking unhappy. Nobody ever comes out looking happy but they always come back looking better. I didn't want to crowd her so I waved from a distance. She waved too and there was almost warmth in her eyes. Dr. Hunter came out of her office.

"Elijah, could you make sure Clare gets home safely?"

"Sure."

She told me where she lived and I put it in the GPS. Just by hearing the address I could tell that I'd be keeping the windows up and the doors locked. It's not the best part of town by any means. We got there in fifteen minutes. The place she was stayed was some run down motel. This place should have been condemned by the city ions ago. It's honestly one termite infestation away from caving in. No, wait… it won't cave in because there are so many cockroaches they hold the walls up. You never hear about this motel until there is a dead hooker, dog fights, or a busted drug dealer. Yes, this motel is the scummiest. Why does Clare reduce herself to a place like this?

"Thanks for the ride. You didn't have to."

"It was no problem. See you next week?"

"Okay."

I watched Clare go into her room and as soon as she shut her door I noticed some guy with three teeth and a pit-bull knocking on my window. He was angrily yelling, though I couldn't make out his words. I took off leaving the man and the dangerous dog in my rear view mirror. Poor Clare, she should be living with her family not in a place like this. This place isn't even fit for the dogs its houses… let alone somebody like Clare. I know I won't convince her to leave anytime soon but eventually she's got to say goodbye to this neighborhood because she just doesn't belong.

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	4. Chapter 4

**Eli**

"But you always have to work Elijah, it's like you don't like spending time with me anymore!"

"Kim you know I love spending time with you I just have things to do."

"Obviously I'm not on that list. I'm starting to think that's all you wanted from me…sex, like every other man."

"Look! You weren't complaining then!"

"Because I thought you'd be my boyfriend when it was all said and done."

"I never agreed to that Kim! I agreed to hanging out and shooting the shit when I had time, and we both agreed to have sex that night! I never gave you reason to believe it would lead to anything more."

"Fuck you Elijah! Just…fuck you!"

She scurried out of the campus coffee shop making a real scene! Dumb broad… Wait, no, she's not a dumb broad. She's just desperate for love. When I had sex with her she even said it herself that it would be no strings attached but here she was attaching her strings to me. I hated having to cut the strings but she left me no choice.

After I got my daily caffeine fill I went to Dr. Hunter's. Clare was supposed to be coming in today. I wonder if she's getting any better? She hasn't killed herself so that's always a good thing. I went to the parking garage and got into my car. The ride to Dr. Hunter's was peaceful, especially with it being lunch time and all. Usually the streets are packed with cars. People trying to get into small parking spaces and attempting to parallel park… boys on bikes delivering food. Yup, usually traffic is bad but today it's not…Must be the rain.

I went into the building and up the elevator. When I got there I saw Clare walking through the door. I went in through the waiting room and she was sitting down, but only on the edge of the chair. That is an improvement. She waved to me awkwardly and I waved back. I went to let Dr. Hunter know I was here.

"Reporting for duty."

"Eli you are such a good little paid intern."

"Thanks."

"That's why I want to offer you a job after your internship ends."

"A job?"

"Yes as my assistant."

"That sounds great."

"Perfect! Of course there will be a raise involved and…well we can discuss details later. My last appointment made my head spin! Is Clare here?"

"Yes."

"Wait Eli, before you let her in… How exactly did you know her?"

"High school."

"Lovers?"

"No… I thought she was pretty but we never got together… What happened to her…It happened in my house."

"What happened to her?"

"What are you treating her for?"

"Her suicidal thoughts and compulsive behavior…Should I know something?"

"I think she should tell you."

"Could you please send her in?"

I went out into the lobby where Clare was slumped over, elbows on her knees, sitting halfway in the chair still. I told her that Dr. Hunter was ready to see her but before she walked in I stopped her.

"Clare, you said you told her what happened!"

"I did tell her what happened…the day I tried to kill myself."

"Clare you have to tell her what else happened to you! The reason why you tried to kill yourself!"

"She doesn't need to know!"

"Yes she does."

"Shhhhh! Could you two please keep it down! This is a therapist's office not some back alley!"

"Sorry Linda. Clare please, you have to tell Dr. Hunter the entire truth."

"Fine fine…"

**Clare**

So I haven't been completely honest with Dr. Hunter. I've been letting her think the only reason I wanted to kill myself was because I was dirty when in reality, that isn't true. I walked into the office and I sat halfway on the couch just to please the doctor. I'm still a little weary about sullying the white leather but she acts like she doesn't mind.

"Clare, let's talk."

"About what?"

"Has anything traumatic ever happened to you?"

"Eli told you didn't he?"

"No but he did bring it to my attention that there's something you aren't telling me."

"Fine… I was…I had a best friend named Alli. She was beautiful and smart but the guy she went for was greasy and dumb and they just didn't fit. Naturally, whenever he messed up, which he did a lot, I downed him because I wanted her to get away from him. He was trash! Eventually things got so bad that she thought he'd given her herpes and he sent naked pictures of her to everyone. That's when she took my advice and dumped him for good… Some months later my friend and I went to a party in Eli's mansion. She went to find her new boyfriend and I guarded to punchbowl. I drank so much punch that I had to pee but I noticed my friend's ex, Johnny, staring at me… I went to pee and Eli's house was huge, so big in fact that when I went to the bathroom I couldn't even hear the music from the party. When I came out Johnny was there… He forced me into a room, he ripped my clothes off and he hit me. He cuffed my hands to the bed and tied my feet to the posts so that my legs were open… then he and six other guys raped me…leaving their filth inside me! There's not a day that goes by that I don't think about that night! How can I not when I see their dirt and grime all over me? When I see the scars the handcuffs left as I struggled to get away… You know what the worst part is doctor?"

"What Clare?"

"It's that they didn't even have the decency to kill me and put me out of my misery! They just left me that way to soak in the mental torment! All because he was angry I downed him to my friend… She had an abortion… I never even knew she was pregnant! It wasn't my fault. I didn't down him any more than anybody else at Degrassi but it had to be somebody! It just had to fucking be somebody! Why not me? Here I was going around with my church girl attitude, my abstinence ring and my optimism… they sure showed me huh? They sure fucking showed me."

I wiped the tears that were slowly falling from my eyes. I caught my breath and I told her the rest of the story.

"After all of them had finished with me, Johnny punched me and knocked me out. When I woke up the cuffs were off and my feet were untied. I ran out the door, but I could barely walk. I was naked with blood and semen dripping down my leg and blood dripping down my arms from these scars on my wrists… I ran smack into Eli. He didn't know what to think. I just yelled hysterically and cried...Then I woke up in the hospital."

"Clare how did that make you feel?"

"What?"

"Being raped."

"It made me feel helpless and fearful at the moment… after the shock wore off though, all I've felt is either pain or numbness…"

"Why is that?"

"Because, happiness doesn't grow in sludge doctor."

"Clare, I believe this incident was the cause of your compulsion… So I want you to know that those men were dirty, but you are not."

"…"

"Say it."

"Those men were dirty but I'm not."

"We are taking baby steps here but I want to say that anytime you feel compulsive or anytime you feel like you are covered in mud…you remember that those men are the nasty ones but you are pure and clean Clare…"

The session ended and I walked out wondering if I should have told her what really happened. Now that I have she's giving me a look of pity. I don't want anybody's pity. What I would like is something to erase my memory…like in Men in Black. I would like something to erase my memory and then I would like to be placed in a flower shop to work in. If the circumstances were different I'd be happy doing that… Flowers. I always have loved flowers.

"Clare…"

"Eli?"

"I was wondering are you alright? I'm sorry that I told Dr Hunter something was up but I swear I thought you told her."

"It's okay Eli. I guess I should have told her. I'm sorry I was short with you."

"It's okay. Hey, let me give you a lift home."

"If you insist."

We got to Eli's car and I was a little nervous about getting in though I've ridden in it before. I tried saying that phrase Dr. Hunter told me to say… Those men were dirty but I'm not… I repeated it in my head the entire car trip. Those men were dirty but I'm not.

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	5. Chapter 5

**Eli**

Sometimes roommates are so annoying! Like tonight, sure, it's my birthday but that doesn't mean they should just kidnap me like they are doing now. I'm blindfolded in the back of my roommate's truck. I just hope we are going somewhere fun and they aren't going to kill me or something. That would suck.

The car stopped and turned off. They gave me permission to take the blindfold off. We were outside of Live Naked Girls… my stomach suddenly started to turn. This is where Clare works. This is where she told me she works. Oh no!

My friends dragged me in though I suggested we hit up another strip joint. For some reason they were dead set on coming here. Maybe it's because half the strippers here are also prostitutes and they are looking to get lucky. Who really knows for sure though?

I sat down in the chair and I ordered a coke. Somebody is going to have to be the designated driver when these two clowns get twisted. A girl came over to the table. She was covered in glitter and she smelled like sweat, mixed with that cheap syrupy cotton candy perfume.

"Hey sugar, you looking for some fun at this table?"

"Yes! Yes my friend is looking for some fun! It's his birthday today!"

"Well then… I'm going to have to sing you a little song."

She sat in my lap and started grinding while attempting to sing "Happy Birthday" Marilyn Monroe style. Though it felt good I couldn't wait until she was done singing happy birthday because her skin felt sticky and her hair was all matted down with hairspray and the dense odor of cigarette smoke with a hint of weed. My nose was killing me.

When she got up my roommates payed her for her services. She left me with a sticky kiss on my cheek and her business card with a big pink lipstick mark on it. I tucked it in my pocket. I hate to break it to "Candy" but this is going in the trash.

After my roommates were too drunk to control the night's activites I wandered around the club looking for a bathroom. It's amazing what you see when you wander around a strip joint. There was a fat greasy guy threatening to bitch slap a girl if she didn't comply, there was a girl giving these two guys a blow job and then there was a curtain. I can never resist peeking behind a curtain.

I opened the curtain just a little and I happened to see…Clare. She was wearing only a thong and heels. She was dancing slowly and hypnotically. I saw the outline of her perky breasts from behind her whenever she moved. I could also see a guy watching her, and he was in some sort of masturbating trance. Everything was telling me not to look at Clare. Everything was telling me this was wrong but I couldn't help it. She was absolutely beautiful.

The curtain fell and Clare put on a robe. I didn't manage to escape before she opened up the curtain. She looked at me with shocked blue eyes.

"Eli."

"Hi Clare… I um."

"What are you doing here?"

"My roommates kidnapped me and made me come here for my birthday."

"It's your birthday?"

"Yes."

"Well then… Happy birthday. Did you enjoy the show?"  
"What?"

"I know you were watching me Eli. Did you enjoy it?"

"I um…"

"Never mind, you don't have to answer."

"Are you off for the night?"

"Yes."

"Any plans?"

"Yes."

"Oh okay."

"Why?"

"I was just wondering if you'd like to hang with my roommates and me."

Clare was silent for a moment before she slapped me with tears started streaming down her face.

"I was starting to trust you!"

"Clare what's going on?"

"You think you can just waltz in here and get me to be your goodtime girl? Eli you are wrong and I can't believe you!"

"No Clare that wasn't what happened at all. We were just going for waffles after this and I thought you'd want to come."

"Yeah, right… I'm not getting ganged up on again Eli!"

That went horribly… I didn't even do anything wrong.

**Clare**

I started on the walk home. The cold was stinging my cheeks. The nerve of Eli inviting me out for "waffles." He must really think I'm some idiot. I know what his game is. He and his friends are going to get me where nobody can hear me and… that's not happening to me again!

I got to my hotel and I noticed a Ferrari in the parking lot. That can only mean some hotshot drug dealer is doing business. I walked by the car and I suddenly heard my name being called. I turned around to see Alli poking her head out the window.

"Clare? Is that you?"

"Alli?"

She latched onto me, hugging me. I wanted to hug my friend back but I could only manage to pat her on the back lightly. She pulled away and looked me over.

"You look horrible Clare, where have you been?"

"Here, there, everywhere…"

"What happened to you Clare? After that party I never saw you again. What happened?"

"I just…nothing."

"Clare I know something happened! Eli acted weird and when I went to your parents' house they acted strange…then you ran away! I've been worried all these years that you were dead."

"I wish I was."

"No you don't Clare! You don't wish you were dead!"

"What are you doing here Alli, in this part of town?"

"Well, I'm seeing Declan Coyne and he's buying some fun time meds."

"Alli…you don't need drugs."

"Clare ease up okay? It's nothing serious… Why are you here?"

"I live here."

"In this grass hut Clare? Come on, I have an apartment; you can stay with me or your parents! They miss you still Clare!"

"No Alli, my place is here… Plus if I leave nobody will feed the roaches."

"Well here's my number Clare. Promise to call me sometimes. It can be just to talk or when you need me. I love you."

"I love you too Alli."

She handed me a slip of paper with her number on it. I tucked it into my bra and I went up to my room. I took off my clothes, making sure to place the number on the nightstand. I jumped in the shower and I scrubbed with the bleach. When I was done my head was spinning and my eyes were watering from the chemical. Not only that, but my skin was burning like always. I like the burn though; it makes me feel like I'm doing something right.

After I was done washing I walked out in a down and I fell back on the bed. I reached for my bottle of Vodka but I knocked it over and broke it accidentally when a loud car horn started blaring. I thought at first it was just some idiot who accidentally hit the horn but then I started hearing my name.

"Clare!"

I peeped out my window to see Eli standing halfway out of an Escalade. There were two guys passed out drunk in the back from what I could see. Eli's face was extremely red in the place I smacked him. Maybe he's here for revenge. I slipped on a robe and I went out to the balcony.

"What do you want Eli?"

"I want you to know that I was sincere Clare. We weren't going to… you know… I really just wanted you to come out for waffles with us...me…partly because when I got get the waffles I'll be alone."

"What about dumb and dumber in the backseat?"

"They are passed out drunk! Don't know if you knew this but your club doesn't water down booze so they are pretty messed up. No way would I take them into a restaurant. Not only that but… this isn't my car and my roommate has a full tank of gas."

"You don't give up do you?"

"No never!"

"Just waffles and you will bring me back?"

"Just waffles, I swear!"

"Take 'thing one' and 'thing two' home and give me some time to get ready."

"Okay, see you in a few."

I went into my room and I started to get anxious. I took another bleach bath and then I tried to find something to wear. I settled on jeans and a hoodie. I put my hair into a ponytail and then I waited anxiously. What if there are a lot of people at the restaurant. What if Eli's roommate gets upset that I was in the car because of my problem? What if… Those men were dirty but I am not. Those men were dirty but I am not.

Suddenly there was a knock on the door. I opened it slowly and cautiously. Eli was standing there looking friendly as always. I opened the door fully when I saw that it was just him.

"Hi Clare, are you ready?"

"I suppose so."

"Alright then."

**Eli**

I opened and closed Clare's door for her. She hooked her seatbelt, which is an improvement from her sitting on the edge of the seat. The ride was silent. Clare looked out the window the entire time. She started to fidget when she saw which waffle restaurant we were going to though.

"This is Willy's Waffles."

"Yeah, they are the best."

"I don't want to eat at this place."

"Clare what's the matter?"

"It's too close."

"Too close to what?"

"Home! Eli! You knew what you were doing. I knew I shouldn't have trusted you!"

"Clare listen to me…yes it is close to your parents place but I didn't do this on purpose. I'm not sure seeing them would be such a bad thing for you though. Please? I only have an hour left in my birthday…"

"Okay… I'll go in."

I saw her lips moving but I couldn't make out what she was saying. I desperately wanted to know what those mutters were but I didn't want to push the subject. I think I've pushed her enough tonight out of my own selfishness.

We got inside and for the first time since I found her that day about a month ago, she got something to eat. It was a chocolate smiley waffle.

"So you are a girl after all."

"What do you mean?"

"You are eating chocolate…That's such a girly thing to do."

"Well you are eating steak with blueberry waffles…what a boy thing to do."

"I guess it is. So how are you?"

"Eli… don't please?"

"Clare I just wanted to know, ya know?"

"I'm better…I haven't bought anymore drugs."

"What about the booze."

"Baby steps Eli."

"Sure. I just…You know you could do something else for money."

"Like what? Wow the people with my partial high school education?"

"You could get your GED and do what you love. If I recall you liked to write."

"I loved to write."

"So write Clare…"

"I can't Eli. That's not who I am anymore."

"You are who you want to be Clare… think about that."

She looked down at her plate and she started pushing her food around with the fork. I guess I've spoiled her appetite but I had to plant that seed of thought in her mind. She doesn't belong in the rat trap of a strip joint or that roach motel. She doesn't fit in at any of those places.

After we ate I dropped her back off at that motel and I sent her away with a smile though in reality I cringe inside every time I have to watch her go into that wretched building. I guess that, like all other things, will take time to be obliterated.

**Reveiew please…thanks**


	6. Chapter 6

**Clare**

"Clare if you could talk to Johnny what would you say?"

"I can talk to Johnny… He's at the penitentiary…I just don't want to."

"Well Clare, if he were right here what would you want to say to him?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"No, because I'd take your letter opener and put it through his eye."

"Okay… Clare let's assume that you aren't going to harm Johnny and let's say that you want to talk. What would you say to him?"

"I'd tell him that… he ruined my life, along with those other guys. I'd tell him that I hate him and when I wake up every day I wish him and those other bastards dead. I'd tell him that they are all going to hell wearing gasoline underwear! I'd tell them that demons would rape them in hell! I'd tell them…"

"Clare! Calm down… It's okay, you done good."

"Sorry Dr. Hunter, I got carried away."

"Clare, I think you need closure…"

"That only happens when people die."

"No Clare, it's not only for when people die. It's also for victims and you are in desperate need of closure."

"What do you suggest I do?"

"I suggest you face your attackers."

"What! Are you fucking crazy!"

"No Clare I'm very much sane and I think it would be a good idea if you visited your attackers."

"And do what Dr. Hunter?"

"Tell them how you feel."

"They don't deserve to know."

"On the contrary Clare, letting them know could give them more to think about while they are locked up."

"I don't think I can do it. I'm… I'm scared."

"Clare what if I sent someone with you?"

"It has to be Eli."

"Okay, Eli could go with you… Do you think that could help you?"

"Maybe. I won't promise anything."

"That's fine… I just want you to try. Try for yourself so that you can start to move on with life."

"Okay. When do I go?"

"I've taken the liberty to get you a visiting order. You should go today. Visiting ends at four so you have a couple hours just make sure you don't have any drugs on you."

"Okay."

I went out into the lobby Dr. Hunter called Eli in. He was rearranging some files while he drank and energy drink and chewed nicorette. I guess he's quitting smoking. I paced around starting to get nervous. I wanted to cry… I wanted to scream. I can't do this. I can't go and face him!

I felt a hand on my shoulder. I jumped back defensively. I turned around to see that it was only Eli. He held up his hands and approached me with caution. I am falling apart! I'm fucking falling apart!

"Clare I will be right there with you. Every step of the way. He will be behind glass. If you need to you can always hang up that phone and we will leave. I won't let him hurt you."

"Okay."

The car ride was short. In fact, it seemed shorter than any other car ride I've ever been on. We got into the prison. They checked the visiting order and then they checked Eli and me for drugs and weapons. Once they saw we were clean there was a tiny wait. I guess they were wrangling Johnny up. When they finally did call us into the room and to the glass he was sitting there in orange. He looked thinner, with a bald head and tattoos snaking up his neck. He also had a scar coming down the side of his face. He looked sick.

I looked at him for a moment and then Johnny picked up the phone. I looked at Eli and I grabbed his hand. He handed me the phone.

"Well well well… All grown up. What are you doing here?"

"I just came to tell you that…you ruined my life and I hate you and every morning when I wake up I wish you and those other guys dead!"

"That's what you came to tell me? Well I can't say I blame you."

"I hate you!"

"Yeah well…take a number Clare. You think you are the first one to come in here and tell me that? So far my parents have come and told me that, your parents have come and told me that…even your sister has come and told me they hated my guts for doing what I done to you! I was wondering when you'd strut in here to give me a piece of your mind. I suppose you want an apology? Is that it? You want me to cry and beg for your mercy or forgiveness?"

"…"

"Well, you aren't going to get an apology…you know what… I take that back. I am sorry Clare, I'm sorry that I didn't rape you now that I've got AIDS, then we could both be dying together baby. But you want to know something that will surely make you happy? I got it by being some guy's bitch! Clare… now every morning when I wake up I wish you were dead! I wish that night I'd actually done something to be jailed for. I wish I'd killed you!"

"Johnny now that I see you…you are just as pathetic as you always were! You were never good enough for Alli and you never will be! I didn't know about her stupid abortion but it's probably a good thing she did kill that demon child because people like you don't deserve to have children! Some genes should never be passed down you bastard. I hope it hurt when they raped you… I hope your six buddies have it as bad as you do! You're not fit for anybody! Not even that sick fucker who raped you because you are scum! You are scum Johnny! You are scum! SCUM!"

Eli pried the receiver from my hands and he dragged me out of the prison. I didn't realize I was crying but I was. When we got out to the car Eli helped me in and he stood there beside me trying to calm me down.

"Just breathe Clare! Please, breathe."

"I'm trying, I'm trying."

"Just breathe Clare, you are okay. It's okay… He can't hurt you."

"He said…"

"It doesn't matter what he said Clare… It doesn't matter. Did you say all you wanted to say?"

"Yes."

"How do you feel?"

"I don't know."

"Clare you are okay."

He got into the car with me and we left the premises. When we got on the road I looked over at him and he slightly looked at me

"Are you okay?"

"Yes, I'm fine."

"I think Dr. Hunter suggested this too soon."

"No, I'll be fine. I think I've wanted to say that to him for a while. I feel bad though."

"Why?"

"Because I'm happy."

"About what?"

"That he's dying of AIDS."

**Eli**

I went home that day stressed. There are still papers to write and online quizzes to take. Dammit, I'm tired mentally. I wanted to kill Johnny today when I saw him. He looked pale, brittle and sickly yet he still managed to sport a smug smile. I wanted to say something but I knew it was Clare's time to speak to him. Even if he pretended not to care about what he done to Clare I know he regrets it… I just hope she can get better now. I finished my paper and then I took the quizzes… Geez, only an hour had passed? I wasn't sleepy at all but Clare was on my mind. I decided to go and see her.

I drove to the sleazy club and I parked in the expectant mothers spot. I don't know why they'd have one of these in front of a place like this but they do. I went inside and I went around to that same curtain I found her in last time. Only I heard screams being muted by the music. I heard screams and what sounded like a struggle. I opened the curtain to find some fat greasy guy with bad teeth attacking Clare and trying to rape her. I pulled the bastard off though I almost put my back out doing it and I punched him in the nose. He grabbed it while swinging at me. He was too slow though because I ducked and I hit him again. He stumbled back but he was revived. He hit me in the jaw and it knocked me down. He lazily kicked me in the side. I got up and I punched him in the throat. He was stunned and coughing while gasping for air. I got Clare up and I covered her with my jacket. She was in and out of consciousness because of her injuries. Luckily he hadn't gotten to rape her.

"You're fired bitch! You or your boyfriend step foot in the club again and I'll kill you."

I carried Clare out of the club and I placed her in the back of my truck. She was out again. I got her to the hospital as fast as I could. They admitted her quickly and started patching her up. While they were fixing her I done something I should have done a long time ago.

I pulled up at the motel. I went into Clare's room and I started packing up her things. Once I'd gotten everything out, including her secret stash of money I turned in her key and I checked her out of that rat trap!

I took her things to my family's vacation house. It's in the middle of the suburbs and it's only in use when my parents need a break from each other… They don't use it anymore though since they are in couple's therapy. It's basically a closet.

Once I placed Clare's things in the house I went back to the hospital and to the room they were holding her in. She was dinged up pretty bad. She looked drowsily at the television while she flipped through the channels.

"Clare?"'

"Eli… Hi. Did Fabio rape me?"

"No. He just kicked your ass but don't worry… I got him."

"Thanks."

"I got some bad news though… He fired you."

"What am I going to do for money now? I have to pay for another week tomorrow…"

"Well Clare that's the thing. I moved you out."

"What?"

"I checked you out of that motel. You don't belong there and I won't let you stay there any longer."

"Who do you think you are?"

"I'm the guy who stopped you from killing yourself. I'm the guy who's helping you and I'm the guy who doesn't give a damn about your compulsion to hurt yourself because I see what you really are Clare! I see that you don't belong in that world of darkness and filth so I'm the guy who is pulling you out of that world. I'm also the guy who doesn't care if you kick or scream because I'm the guy who cares about you Clare!"

"Where will I go Eli? I don't have anywhere to go!"

"You're going to stay at my family's vacation house… I've already taken your things there."

"I can't afford to pay you now but I will get a job and…"

"Don't worry about it Clare. Your money is no good here okay. I put your piggy bank in the compartment in the closet by the way… Sometimes the Merry Maids like to steal."

"What will I do now Eli?"

"Live Clare… You will live."

**Reviews please?**


	7. Chapter 7

**Clare**

I sat in Dr. Hunter's office once again. It seems like every time I turn around I have to meet with her. The week just flies by and suddenly I'm right back in this chair with her looking at me and listening to my words trying to unlock the "treasure chest" to what will fix me. I guess its working.

"It's perfectly natural to not feel any remorse for Johnny. Let's talk about what happened to you the other night."

"What do you mean?"

"Clare you're all beaten up. Something happened."

"Oh I was… my boss tried to rape me."

"That's terrible. Did you tell the police? What stopped him?"

"Eli saved me."

"Eli?"

"Yes… he beat up the guy and took me to the hospital now I'm staying at his family's vacation place."

"Are you happy there?"

"I… it's a nice place. It's very clean and any television channel I could think of I can watch. It's warm and the maid is friendly."

"Yes, but are you happy?"

"I'm not happy anywhere Dr. Hunter… I'm always having compulsive thoughts."

"Clare remember what we talked about…"

"Yes I know. They were dirty but I'm not."

"Remember that Clare… I will meet with you the same time next week of course."

"Okay."

I went out into the lobby and I sat there waiting for Eli to take me back to his family's place. Today I didn't care if I dirtied up the chair. My body is tired…so tired and I can't stand to stand for long. I'm just so damn tired.

**Eli**

"Eli you have gotten really close with Clare haven't you?"

"I suppose so."

"You are infatuated with her?"

"That's personal Dr. Hunter."

"Because you two are growing so close, you are not to read her files or my notes on her anymore. You'll have to study another case."

"Yes Dr. Hunter."

"Now take Clare home and hurry back. We have Kenny today."

"I thought Kenny wasn't until tomorrow."

"I'm afraid not dearest."

"I just bought this shirt."

I went out into the lobby where Clare was sitting. I've never seen her so relaxed in a chair before. She was sitting all the way back and slouching. She was staring at the light as if she was in a trance. I called her name and she moved her eyes towards me slowly.

"Eli, are we ready?"

"Yes… Are you okay?"

"I'm fine. Just a little tired."

We went out to the parking garage. She was walking slowly. I think something is the matter with her. She got into the truck and again she was unusually relaxed. She leaned her head against the window. Yes, something is definitely wrong with her.

"Clare what's the matter?"

"I'm tired and my head hurts! I've been sick all morning!"

"Should you go to the doctor?"

"No, really… I will be fine."

"I think I know what's wrong."

"Tell me Dr. Eli."

"I think you are having withdrawals."

"I don't even want any Oxy."

"No, from the alcohol."

"A drink would be nice."

"Your body is going through withdrawals."

"Well that's nice for my body…"

"You'll be fine. When was the last time you had a drink?"

"That night I got put into the hospital."

"You're about halfway through…soon you will be okay."

"I hope you're right…"

"So I was thinking… dinner tonight?"

"Eli you ask me to dinner every night."

"Because I'm hungry every night… Please?"

"Sure Eli, dinner… I mean since you are my landlord and all."

"That's right so dinner is your rent."

"Well… I have been eating more."

"Great."

I dropped her off and I hated to see her leave even though I know I will see her later on tonight. Clare is really starting to grow on me. Seeing her going through withdrawals is hard but at least it's from alcohol and not heroine. I got back to the office and Kenny was in the lobby, wearing a lime green bath robe, bunny slippers and an adult sized Curious George onesie. He looked mean and unstable… He looked like he was ready to rip the pocket off of my shirt like he's been doing in his last few sessions. He doesn't like me being in the room with him and Dr. Hunter but I have to because sometimes he gets a little violent.

I went into Dr. Hunter's office. She was looking at her notes and files. I informed her that Kenny was outside and waiting. She told me to send him in, so I did. Kenny walked into the office quickly, stumbling over his own feet every now and then. Kenny should really be in the mental hospital.

"Hi there Dr. Hunter."

"Hi Kenny… How are you today?"

"I'm good real bad Doc, I lost my girl."

"Kenny I wasn't aware you were in a relationship."

"Yeah doc… She plays hard to get though. She works at the peepshows in live nude girls… Her stage name was Porcelain doll… Man she had eyes blue like the Jamaican oceans and she was a blonde…sometimes a redhead when the light was right…but she's gone!"

"What happened to her?"

"I don't know! She was just gone and some filthy brunette was taking her place! I wanted to kill her! Just like I did my mother!"

"Kenny, please calm down."

"She was a nasty brunette replacing my porcelain doll!"

"Kenny why was this other girl so important."

"Why are any girls important to any guys? It was love at first sight! It's like she could see right through me and when I pleasured myself to her dancing behind that glass it was like we were making love. I wanted to marry her and give her a million babies and now she's gone."

"Kenny, the key now is to try and move on."

I tuned the rest of his words out. I looked at Dr. Hunter and she subtly looked at me. I've been telling her that Kenny needs to be locked away. Every time he comes in his behavior is a bit more erratic. However, hearing about the girl that was obviously Clare made me a tad bit antsy.

I diverted my attention back to what was going on. Kenny's voice was starting to rise and Dr. Hunter was trying to calm him down. It wasn't working. Suddenly his rage was turned from the new peep show dancer and porcelain doll's disappearance to me…

"And this guy standing behind me acting like he's got it all together! I'm sick of him!"

"Kenny! Calm down! Eli is a friend not an enemy!"

"He's giving me that look and I'm going crazy!"

"He's not looking at you Kenny!"

"Yes he is! He's giving me that crazy looking look and I feel like I'm going to snap!"

He came at me with a knife he pulled out of his pajama pocket. I was able to dodge him the first time but the second time he got me, right in the arm. It hurt like hell but I knew I couldn't let him get hold to the knife again. So we managed to fight for it. I yelled for Dr. Hunter to leave the room so that she wouldn't end up injured like me.

Dr. Hunter called security and they were up here briskly. Kenny went surprisingly without a fight to the squad car while one of the officers tried to see about my arm. I felt myself blacking out from the blood loss.

When I woke up my mother and father were by my side. My mom was stroking back my hair and my dad was clicking around on his blackberry.

"Oh baby you are awake."

"Yeah, what's going on?"

"You got stabbed in the arm by some crazy man and you had to get a transfusion."

"Oh… normal day at the office."

"Well now that you are awake they will probably run some tests and let you go."

"Thanks for coming."

"Eli, don't mention it. How's Clare?"

"She seems to be getting better."

"That's good. My sources tell me she's looking for work."

"I haven't heard about that."

"She applied at the Dot."

"Mom you are the nosiest woman known to man."

"Dear I can't help it."

"I know, I know."

"Well… I've put in a good word for her."

"Thanks mom."

"Oh and don't be afraid to bring her around."

"Is that your way of inviting her to dinner?"

"Yes."

"Okay mom."

The doctors ran a few tests to see if I was accepting the blood and then I was sent packing. I walked out into the lobby and there sat Dr. Hunter and her husband… Dr. Hunter. She had flowers in hand and he had an envelope.

"Eli I am so sorry… Kenny will be put away."

"Well good and its okay… Just a scratch."

"Son, thank you for staying to protect my wife. Here's a check."

"Keep it…"

"I insist."

Since he was adamant about me taking the check I did and I took the flowers too. I didn't feel too groggy or bad but my arm did hurt like hell. I had a cab take me to get my car and then I picked up some takeout food. I knocked on Clare's door and she answered cautiously.

"Hi Eli."

"Hi, I'm sorry I'm late."

"It's okay."

"You look pretty."

"Thanks."

"I bought take out."

"Cool."

"I got stabbed."

"You did?"

"Yes… That's why I'm so late."

"Are you…shouldn't you be resting?"

"It was only in the arm. I am resting."

"Well, alright."

I ended up falling asleep on the couch and when I woke up it was around four. There was a blanket draped over me and a pillow under my head though I know I didn't go to sleep with a blanket. Clare must have put it over me. That was nice of her.

**Review please? Let me know what you are thinking so far.**


	8. Chapter 8

**Clare**

"Clare have you ever considered visiting your parents?"

"Sometimes… I just don't go through with it because; well I just never go through with it."

"Are you scared?"

"Somewhat."

"Why?"

"Because I know they will be angry with me for leaving and not calling."

"Maybe not. They might just be relieved to have you back home."

"A girl can dream."

"Clare, I think it would be a good idea if you visited your parents. You are making some big changes… You've stopped taking pills and stopped drinking and you're getting back on track with life. You need your family there to be your cheerleaders."

"Isn't that what you and Eli are for?"

"Well…Clare I'm only your therapist. I can talk to you about your personal life but I don't live it with you and Eli is only one person. You need your family as a support system."

"Well, if you think it's a good idea… I might do that."

"Great. Clare I just want to say that I'm so proud of you. You've come so far and you still have a little way to go. This will be a big step."

"Okay ."

She was right. I do need to visit my family and at least let them know I'm alive. I know my compulsive thoughts will follow me but I've got them really dulled down now and when I look into the mirror I see more of myself than I do the filth.

Today I was Dr. Hunter's last patient. I've been coming later since I work at the Dot in the mornings. I had to wait around for Eli to finish filing things and discussing things with Dr. Hunter. I didn't mind the wait. It gave me some time to think. What would happen if I went to my parents? Would they yell at me or scream at me? Would they refuse to give me their love since I'd rejected it so much the last time I was with them? So many scenarios are playing out in my head and all of them make me scared and shaky.

Eli came out with his little backpack. I followed him down to the parking garage. Things were quiet. I don't mind it much but it's unusual for Eli because he usually has plenty to talk about. Finally he broke the thick silence.

"Dinner?"

"Would it matter if I said I wasn't hungry?"

"No."

"Then sure…why not."

"Cool. Where to?"

"You choose."

"I always choose."

"Because you are always the hungry one."

"Okay…waffles."

"Fine by me."

We went to the waffle place we usually went to. We got to the table and the silence was still eerie. My menu was a wall separating me from Eli's gaze. I could feel him peering over at me. Something is coming, I just don't know what.

"What will you have Clare?"

"Chocolate chip pancakes, same as usual."

"I think I'll get the steak and waffles."

The waitress took our orders and left. I sipped the coke that'd been placed before me a few minutes earlier. Eli was gazing out the window and he was in deep thought. Maybe I've done something to offend him. Maybe… he's pissed at me. That wouldn't surprise me because I'm always fucking up.

"Eli, are you okay?"

"Huh? I'm fine."

"It's just that you look troubled and I've never seen you like this before."

"I'm just in love with you… wait! I didn't mean to let that slip out! Stupid verbal diarrhea!"

"Oh great… the food is here."

I didn't know what to say when Eli said that. I panicked. I didn't know what to tell him and if I did I wouldn't have known how to tell him. I feel something for Eli and I know I love him I'm just not sure I'm in love with him. I've got so many things going on with me right now! What does being in love even feel like? I have no clue how things are supposed to go. I'm just better off keeping my mouth shut.

The rest of that night was tension filled. Eli and I forced ourselves to talk about therapy, my job, his school and things like that. There was a big pink elephant in the room yet I refused to let Eli know I see the elephant. Why is he in love with me anyway? I'm not a good person for him to be in love with. He should get a nice normal girl so that he can be happy. He should get someone who hasn't been ruined.

He dropped me off at the house he was letting me stay in. Luckily I was able to pay him rent now. I forced him to take it. He didn't bother to come in and talk. He's mad. I closed the door and leaned on it, sliding down and crying. I didn't mean to hurt him. He's the only person I have to talk to but I just can't let him make this mistake. He doesn't want me, he just doesn't know it yet.

I sobbed so hard that my stomach started to cramp up. I lay in the floor looking at the ceiling. I just couldn't seem to catch my breath. I should have never let him talk me off of that roof then this wouldn't have happened. He would think he wants me. He wouldn't have this false hope of me ever being good enough for him.

**Eli**

She doesn't love me. What was I expecting? Of course she doesn't love me… She doesn't even love herself. I'm such as ass putting her on the spot like that. I didn't mean to tell her that though it's just been on my mind lately. Every day that I see her, my feelings grow. Talking to her and seeing her crack a smile every now and then is the highlight of my day. All I can think about is her when I'm not focused on a specific task or assignment. I just didn't know what to do with myself.

I was depressed before because I knew this was going to happen. I knew I was going to get rejected when I told her. Too bad I was wrong. She more than rejected me; she chose to ignore my statement completely. It was just that absurd a sentence that slipped from my lips! Man do I feel stupid! I'm just a big fucking dummy.

She's the only girl I've ever wanted this much. I never let a soul know this but in high school… I was into her. I was really into her. She was beautiful and everybody loved her. I ached badly to be one of those people who she could wrap around her finger. Most of the time we only muttered hello to each other but I wanted to say more. I wanted to say so much more. I knew I didn't have a shot though. She was perfect and Christian. I was a wreck eomtionally and I'd never set foot in a church. I knew that I'd never fit into her world so I never even tried. After it all happened I cried that night, almost harder than I'd ever cried before because I knew she wouldn't be the same. She was the sunshine and that incident turned her gray. Still I wondered about her, there wasn't a day that went by that I didn't wonder about her and when she landed in my life again I thought this was finally my chance. I was wrong!

I called up the one person I trust to listen to my personal matters. The phone rang three times before the groggy voice answered on the other end.

"You better have a damn good excuse for calling me Goldsworthy. Do you have any idea what time it is in San Francisco?"

"Adam I just needed someone to talk to."

"What's the matter? You sound all fucked up."

"Adam I told Clare that I was in love with her."

"What'd she say?"

"She said 'oh great, here the food comes' and that was it!"

"Ouch! That was a serious facial disgracial."

"I was so stupid to think I could ever get close to her Adam! Even with all that's happened I'm still not good enough."

"She thinks that?"

"No! I don't know. She probably should. I'm more fucked up than she will ever be."

"No, I think you two are equally matched. She was gang raped and you unintentionally killed your girlfriend."

"Adam it is probably for the best that I don't get too involved with Clare. I might snap again."

"Eli you've had therapy!"

"It's like with her though, I feel myself getting intense and possessive. I want to protect and love her and I want her to let me do that for her!"

"Eli it will be okay. Just wait and see how things work out."

"Go back to sleep Adam."

"Thank you, goodnight."

Adam hung up the phone. I started drinking a half empty bottle of ever clear I found in my roommate's drawers. I walk into the bathroom and slumped down into the floor. I started thinking about the night that Julia died.

_ I had on gloves because it was cold outside. Julia thought it would be cute if we had the same pair so we did. She and I weren't the cutest couple right now though. In fact things were getting violent._

"_It's my body Elijah! I got the abortions so that I could make something of my life! So that I wouldn't ruin things for us!"_

"_How many of my babies did you kill?"_

"…"

"_Is it a number bigger than ten?"_

"_No."_

"_Small than four?"_

"_Yes… I've had three Eli."_

"_Three abortions and you didn't feel the need to discuss any of these pregnancies with me!"_

"_Like I said… It's my body and my choice!"_

_ Tears streamed down my face as she sat in the passenger seat. She had three abortions and she didn't tell me a thing. I trusted her and I've never opened myself up to someone like that before. She betrayed me. _

_ I couldn't control my anger. I saw her fiddling with the asthma pump she'd been prescribed. I snatched it from her and she looked up at me, not a tear in her eye. Did she feel any remorse or sorrow for our murdered children at all? What kind of sociopath did I fall in love with?_

_ She started to wheeze. I started spraying her medicine out the window. I waited until there was just enough left and then I tossed it back to her, unfortunately that sent it flying out the other window which was done because of a glitch in Morty's recent automatic upgrades. She started to have an asthma attack. I stopped the car, aware that I couldn't let her die. She went back looking for the inhaler while I sat in the car with my emergency lights on. The next thing I heard was screeching breaks and yelling. I looked out my rearview mirror to see Julia lying stiff on the ground with blood pouring from her head. I lay beside her and she looked up at me weakly._

"_I'm sorry Julia."_

"_Eli… Love.."_

"_I love you too."_

_ She died looking right at me. Blood was on her face and tears were running from her eyes. In her hand was the inhaler I'd childishly tossed. I killed my girlfriend. I murdered Julia. Though I didn't push her in front of the car this wouldn't have happened if I hadn't been so nasty. I was pissed though! I was pissed! Now I'm sad…So very sad. Life's not worth living._

I gulped the ever clear down, trying to get it flowing through my system as fast as possible. When it finally did hit me I went spinning and then I went crashing. I fell onto the bed with the bottle still in my hand. I can dress in khakis with button down shirts, make straight A's and pretend to be good but the truth is that I will never ever be fit for anyone…especially not Clare Edwards.

**Comments, concerns, questions? Leave a review! =)**


	9. Chapter 9

**Clare**

I nervously walked up the steps. I've been thinking a lot lately about my mom and dad, of course Dr. Hunter's suggestion planted the idea too. I miss them and I know I'm being selfish by brining all my madness back into their world but I can't help it. I want my family back.

I knocked on the door and stepped to the side. My mother answered the door and her eyes widened. Her jaw dropped and she covered her mouth with her hand. She started to cry before she pulled me in for a hug.

"Randall!"

My dad came to the door and was frozen as well. Small tears started to stream from his eyes as he joined the hug. Darcy even came from the back. Everyone cried and embraced me. I didn't realize it but I started to cry too.

"Oh Clare, we are so glad you came back! My baby! My baby!"

They pulled me into the house and it was like nothing had changed. My mom had cooked chicken with mashed potatoes and my dad complained about the prices of gas and coffee these days. Everyone fell into this strange normalcy, like nothing at all happened but I deep down knew they had questions they wanted to ask. I just didn't know if I'd be able to answer them without falling apart.

The silence at the dinner table was joyful yet tense all at the same time once my father's ranting stopped. I knew what was coming next. I took the last bite of my mashed potatoes and suddenly it happened.

"Clare, why did you leave?"

"Because mom I just… I saw how miserable you and dad were watching me be miserable."

"Well Clare of course we were miserable after what happened to you. You think running away made us feel better?"

"I thought it would."

"Clare we've been worried sick for years! The police didn't find you; we posted signs all over town too! Then the police seemed to stop looking. They said that usually after a girl's been gone as long as you with no appearances she's dead!"

"Did you bury me?"

"No… I thought you might have been dead though. I was waiting for that dreaded phone call telling me that you had been found in some ditch or some shallow grave."

"I'm sorry."

My parents talked me into staying the night with them. I texted Eli and told him we'd have to cancel our plans for waffles tonight. The rest of the night was full of tears and laughter. It's was almost like I was coming home from the war. I supposed I have been fighting in a war against myself and my own mental state, the bad news is that I'm still fighting it. Compulsive thoughts creep up on me sometimes and take over my mind before I can stop them and sometimes I get depressed…then my mind wanders into the "what ifs" and I shut out the world.

When the last photo album and home video had been looked at my parents went to bed. I went up to my old room and everything was just like I left it. There were clothes on my bed; I guess my mom did my dirty laundry when she was expecting me to emerge within those first few days of my disappearance.

I showered and changed into what used to be my favorite night gown. It was flannel with little angelic teddy bears all over it. I pulled it over my head and I threw my hair up into a ponytail. When I opened the bathroom door Darcy was standing there.

"Feel like talking?"

"About what?"

"Where did you go all this time?"

"The dark. When did you come back from Africa?"

"A little while after you went missing."

"I'm sorry."

"You have nothing to apologize for."

We hugged in the hallway and cried. My sister seems like the only person who can remotely relate to what happened to me. After the hug ended I headed to my room and then she went into the bathroom and I went to my room. I got into the bed and it smelled like febreze. My mom even still changed the sheets every week. I guess she had hope that I'd come back.

I fell asleep in the bed that has aided me in slumber a million times before with the pillows that has caught both my tears on bad days and my drool on a well rested night. By the time I woke up the next morning my hair was all over my head and my pillow was soaked with saliva. I don't even remember going to sleep.

I looked around my old room and I stumbled across the cross necklace I used to wear. It still shined brightly. I noticed the door opening while I was admiring the one piece of jewelry that used to define me. My mother stood behind me soundlessly but I knew it was her because of the perfume she always wears.

"Nana always said you should have that if she died… I remember how you used to grab at it when you were a baby. I guess you liked the way it sparkled on her neck. You should put it back on."

"I should?"

"Yes."

My mother hooked the clasp to the necklace and it hung where it always did. I looked in the mirror with the piece of jewelry on and I realized how I looked with it. I almost looked like the innocent girl I'd known years ago. I almost looked like the girl with dreams, bright eyes and a bushy tail who was ready to conquer the world and spread love. I almost looked like…me.

"Breakfast is ready if you want."

"Okay. Thanks mom."

"Don't mention it sweetie. I don't know where you are staying now but… I hope you will consider moving back in Clare. We can talk about it later though. I really came up here to tell you that you have a guest downstairs… he's very handsome."

I got dressed in one of the dresses folded up on my bed. I managed to find a pair of ballet flats. It's amazing that everything still fits. I brushed my teeth and I washed my face. I went downstairs and into the kitchen to see Eli sitting at the table talking to my dad about stocks, gas and coffee.

"Hey Clare."

"Hi Eli."

"I just thought you'd like a ride."

"Thanks. Do we have time for breakfast?"

"Yes, there is always time for breakfast. Your mom made waffles!"

"Great."

I sat down between Darcy and Eli. Darcy nudged me under the table while winking at me while Eli wasn't looking. Great, now they think I'm dating him. I'm sure he wouldn't mind that though…poor thing.

**Eli**

Two weeks ago I slipped up and told Clare that I was in love with her. It wasn't a lie but I didn't mean to say it. Things have been weird between us because she didn't respond. It happened when we were out eating waffles. I just blurted it out and she completely ignored the statement. I half expected her to say she felt at least remotely the same way but instead she responded in silence. I'm a big dummy!

We arrived at the building and there were a few minutes to spare. Clare got out of the car and went on up for her appointment. I had her take Dr. Hunter's coffee with her. I sat in the car for a few minutes thinking. Suddenly my phone rang. It was Kim.

"Hello?"

"Hi Eli."

"Hi Kim, what's up?"

"I was wondering if we could talk tonight? It's important."

"What's this about Kim?"

"I'm pregnant Eli."

"What?"

"I'm pregnant and it has to be yours."

"We will go out for burgers tonight okay? We need to discuss this."

"Okay."

I pulled my hair and banged my head against the steering wheel. That was until somebody knocked on my window. It was 's husband…Dr. Hunter. I opened the door and he looked at me like I was crazy.

"Son are you alright?"

"I'm fine…just a bit of bad news."

"Well you should talk about it. I was a young man once… You caught the clap or herpes or something?"

"No… This girl thinks I got her pregnant."

"Well then…good luck with that."

"Yeah, thanks."

I wanted to vomit. A baby would bond me to Kim forever and she's somebody I don't want to have to look at on a regular basis. Not that she's ugly, I just don't like to look at her! I walked into Dr. Hunter's office angrily. I started looking over files and organizing things. Donna, the secretary knew something was wrong with me because I was being a little rough with the file cabinet.

"Calm down little britches! What's the matter?"

"Just… having a bad day."

"Well… I got donuts."

"Sweet… I'll have to have one during break."

"I'll save you one with sprinkles."

"Thanks Donna you are truly the best."

An hour later Clare came out of Dr. Hunter's office. She didn't look sad or happy. She came behind Donna's desk and told me goodbye.

"Well I will see you later Eli. Want to have dinner tonight? I like food now remember? Since I'm a working girl now it's my treat."

"Ha, I would but I have plans."

"Oh okay. I um, I understand. Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine."

"Ok."

"Goodbye Clare."

**Clare**

I caught a cab to the Dot and I felt like something was wrong with Eli. Maybe he has found another girl and they are going on a date…good for him. I hope she's nice to him. I told the cab driver to go the long way so that I could have a little time to think. Dr. Hunter said not to rush things or try and make too many decisions at once but I know decision I think I should make. I want to move back in with my parents. Plus, I don't think Eli's new lady friend would appreciate a mentally fucked, ex-peep show stripper living in his family's "break" house.

It started to rain. I payed the cabbie and then I sprinted into the dot. I went into the back to check in and change into my jeans and work shirt. Good thing Spinner doesn't know I'm a little late. It's amazing how both of Darcy's exes work at the same place.

Business was slow right now. Partially because it's raining and all the kids are in school. I sat on one of the stools and I wrote down my feelings. I've been keeping a journal lately. Dr. Hunter says it's better to write things down than keep them all bottled up inside. I used to write in a journal but after the incident I stopped writing just like I stopped living. Now that I'm starting to live again, I guess I should write again too.

Jenna Middleton ran into the Dot with a little boy. He was bundled up in rain gear. His hair was blonde; he had big blue eyes and chubby cheeks. He looked a little like Jenna but mostly he looked like KC. She sat at a table. I tied on an apron and got an order pad.

"Hi, what can I get for you today?"

"Hi Clare! It's good to see you. Where have you been?"

"Visiting relatives in Memphis."

"Cool… hey you now my mom lives in Nashville."

"I never knew that."

"Yeah, well I will have a large cappuccino and for Gabe… the tiny tenders with apple slices and a sunburst smoothie…child size."

"Large cappuccino, tiny tenders, apples on the side and a child size sunburst smoothie…coming right up."

In case you haven't noticed, I did just lie. That's been my excuse for being away. People I went to high school with float through here all the time and when they ask me where I disappeared to, I simply say I was staying in Memphis with relatives. They believe it.

I turned in the order in the kitchen and I made Jenna's cappuccino and the kid's smoothie then I sat down. Spinner walked in and gave me a task to do in the mean time. I had to fill the sugar containers. Why are these stupid containers always running out of sugar? Seems like I just filled them up and now they are out again. I hate working with sugar. The bag always leaks and the crystals get everywhere and become all sticky. The life of a waitress isn't glamorous but I like it. I don't feel ashamed working here and its helping me get used to people again. Sometimes after I get off work or when I do decide to work at night... After all the tables have been cleared and I'm counting my tips I almost feel happy.

The bell rang and I went to the back to get the little boy's food. I bought it out to him on one of the children's plate. It was shaped like a Panda's head. More people started to gradually flood in. I started taking orders and bussing tables. Time started to fly by and before I knew it I was in a cab going to the place I'm staying. When I got there Eli's hearse was parked out front. I walked over to the window. He had his head on the steering wheel. I knocked and he jumped before motioning for me to go to the other side and get in. When I did I noticed dried tears down his face.

"What's the matter? I thought you had plans tonight?"

"I'm gonna be a dad Clare."

"Oh…that great Eli."

"No! It isn't fucking great Clare! I don't want that baby! I didn't want the woman who's carrying it! I don't want any of that! I just fucking want you!"

"No you don't."

"Don't tell me what I do and don't want! I love you Clare… I LOVE YOU!"

"You don't know what you are saying."

"I know what I'm saying. Do you?"

"Yes and it's… you need someone who will be…"

"Be what Clare? Normal?"

"Yes."

"No I don't… I want whatever you are… I don't care about normal or abnormal. I don't care about any of it. I just wanted you Clare…now Kim's trying to make me marry her."

"Are you going to?"

"I don't want to but…who knows."

"I don't know what to say Eli."

"Say you love me too… Lie to me Clare! Even if it's a lie just to give me hope. Keep me from making a big mistake."

"I can't lie to you Eli… I love you but I shouldn't."

"I love you too Clare. Thank you."

He placed his head back on the steering wheel and I looked out the window. The rain started again. I didn't realize I was crying. I've been doing that a lot lately. What will happen from here on? What does this mean?

**Reviews please? Thanks!**


	10. Chapter 10

**Clare**

I got the last of my things from the place Eli was letting me stay at. Luckily I didn't have much, only clothes and stuff like that. We haven't really been talking to each other a lot since that night though sometimes I will catch him staring at me and sometimes I will stare at him too just to repay the favor.

He seems stressed over this baby stuff. Anytime I ask him about it he goes into an angry rant and then he changes the subject. I still don't really know what to say to him about it. I've always thought babies were blessings…no matter who the parents are.

"Is this everything?"

"I think so."

"Alright… So any plans for tonight?"

"I don't know. I'm off tonight. Why?"

"I think I need to introduce you to my 'baby mama' or whatever she is…"

"Oh…why?"

"Because you are important. What did you pack in here? A dead body?"

"No. That's just all my stuff in that one bag."

"Geez…"

"How will she take it?"

"Not well. She still thinks we'll be a family though I've told her I can't marry her."

"I don't want to get mixed up in any drama Eli."

"You won't. If she even gets remotely out of line I will have your back. Okay?"

"Sure…"

"I can't spend one day of my summer living that lie to her any longer."

He took me to my parents and assisted me in getting my bag upstairs. After he left I fell back on my bed. I looked up at the ceiling. The glow in the dark stars were still there. I remember I had to jump on the bed to put them up there. Darcy knocked on my door. I know it was her because she's the only one home right now.

"Come in."

"Hi…how are you today?"

"I'm fine."

"I'm glad you decided to move back. It makes things feel more complete."

"Yeah… in a way it does."

"You know Clare I just wanted to tell you that… I understand why you ran away. When I slit my wrists that was my way of running away. If you ever want to talk about it I'm here."

"I know Darc, thanks."  
"So…about Eli."

"What about him?"

"Is he your boyfriend?"

"He's a boy who's a friend."

"Smart ass… I think he loves you."

"Why do you say that?"

"The way he looks at you when he's sure you aren't looking."

"Sometimes when I am looking too…"

"You love him too."

"Why do you think that?"

"Something about you changes for the better when you are around him… It's like you get all starry eyed."

"Oh."

"So how did you two meet anyway?"

"Initially…we met in high school…the um incident happened in his house; he was the one who called the police and paramedics."

"Oh my god! Did he have anything to do with it?"

"No… he didn't even know it was happening. His house was a mansion so there's probably no way he could've heard it."

"Well…how were you two re-introduced?"

"He was taking a smoke break when I was about to jump off the top of the building her works at. When I was about to take that first big step he pulled me down and forced me into therapy."

"Is it working?"

"Yes… it's worked a lot. Dr. Hunter really did unlock my head and move things partially where they should be..."

"Eli has supported you through all of this?"

"Yes… He saved me from getting raped again by my boss…"

"Where did you work?"

"I was a stripper in a peep show box."

"Oh Clare!"

"It was better than working the pole and being groped and touched by their nasty, filthy, sperm polluted hands!"

"Little sister you've been through so much."

"Yes, it would seem that way. Don't ever tell mom and dad this please? It would kill them."

"I promise Clare."

"Thanks."

She left my room and I started unpacking my things. It didn't take long before everything was squared away. I curled up on my bed, falling into a small depression. I cried until I went to sleep. When I woke up I looked at the time. I'm supposed to meet Eli's baby's mother tonight. I hope this goes as planned. I looked into my closet and I got a pair of jeans and a white tank top. I got a pink sweater to pair it with and a pair of white ballet blats. I showered and got dressed. I decided to wear my hair in a bun on top of my head. My cross necklace was dangling from my neck and sparkling, making rainbows on the wall whenever it caught some light.

I was ready by the time Eli called. I walked down the stairs and I kissed my parents goodbye. I slid into the front seat of the Range Rover beside Eli who seemed cool as a cucumber.

"Hi."

"Hi… Where's your baby's mother?"

"I'm going to pick her up now."

We pulled up at an apartment complex. Eli called this girl on the phone and five minutes later a dirty blonde wearing too much makeup and shoes she could hardly stand in came strutting out of the building. She started to get in on the passenger's side but when she opened the door she got a shock.

"Who are you?"

"Hi I'm Clare."

"Oh…"

She reluctantly got in the back. This entire thing just spells out drama. Eli went to a steak house and we all got out. Kim attempted to grab Eli's arm and hold his hand but he rejected all of her advances. She was persistent, I must give her that. She was determined that they were going to lock fingers.

We got into the restaurant and though it was a Friday night we were able to get a booth. I've loved booths for as long as I could remember. Eli sat beside me while Kim sat on the other side, halfway oblivious yet halfway suspicious.

"Eli, baby I think I want the beef nuggets."

"Ok. I have to tell you something Kim."

"Yeah baby?"

"I'm not going to marry you."

"Eli you are so silly."

"I'm in love with Clare."

Eli grabbed my hand and locked fingers with me. He placed our hands on the table so that she could see. I put my menu up as a wall, not really wanting to get involved with this whole ugly business.

"What kind of a fucking joke is this Elijah?"

"No joke Kim. I love Clare. She's perfect for me."

"But I was the one who baked you cookies for valentine's day."

"I told you not to."

"I stole somebody's pee so that I could pass a stupid pregnancy test! My mother said it would work and you'd pop the question if you were a real man!"

"Well I am a real man I'm just the wrong man for you. You don't want me anyway."

"Yes I do."

"No you don't because on the weekends I drive a hearse and I think about putting you in the back of it sometimes."

"Well… I think I'm done here. Don't bother ordering for me. I'm out of here… I hope you and that bitch will be happy together."

"I might be a bitch but he's holding my hand and not yours!"

I couldn't believe I said that! She growled angrily and marched out of the restaurant. We didn't bother staying either. She was trying to hail a cab while we were pulling away from the restaurant. I know its mean to laugh but this is funny. She was a bit nutty though. Staging a pregnancy is truly psycho behavior.

"So I'm hungry. Want to get some waffles?"

"Sure…I thought you would never ask."

**Eli**

Clare and I went to our usual spot and had waffles like we usually do. It was nice, especially since the air is cleared. I can't believe Kim's crazy ass actually faked a pregnancy thinking I would marry her. I'm sure some poor son of a bitch will, it just won't be me.

After we ate, as we were walking back to my Range Rover I grabbed Clare's hand and pulled her close to me…I kissed her lips and then her cheek and then I raised up the sleeve of her sweater so that I could kiss the scar on her wrist. She blushed and looked at me with watery blue eyes.

"Eli I am so terrified right now."

"Why?"

"Because I don't know anything about love."

"There's nothing to know."

I wiped her tears and kissed her again. This time she kissed me back. The moment was perfect until the rain started to crash down on our heads. One of the drops even had the nerve to hit me in the eye. I guess steady rain is better than none at all though.

I looked over at Clare once we were in the car. She was in deep thought. I grabbed her hand reassuringly before reaching over and kissing her cheek. She was trembling.

"I won't ever hurt you Clare, at least if I do I won't mean to and I will protect you."

"I'm not worried about that… I'm worried about hurting you Eli. You need protection from me."

"See that's where you are wrong. I don't think you will hurt me. You are the gentlest and most caring woman I've ever met Clare. You are sweet and intelligent and beautiful. The only way you could hurt me is to deny me of your presence."

She broke down crying and I held her, rocking slowly from side to side until she stopped. Coincidentally when her tears stopped falling, the rain stopped pouring. We left the waffle restaurant and I dropped her off at home. I went back to mine satisfied and happy.

**Reviews please people!**


	11. Chapter 11

**Clare**

"So Clare what has you so terrified about the aspect of a relationship?"

"I don't know."

"You should know by now that 'I don't know' is not about acceptable answer. Talk to me…that's what I'm here for."

"I don't know what I'm supposed to do or how I'm supposed to act. What if I do something wrong?"

"That's part of being in a relationship Clare…making mistakes and taking chances."

"What if… I'm scared that I will disappoint him."

"Why?"

"I just will… I know it."

"Well I don't think you will disappoint him at all. Not one bit, at least not the way you think you will."

"It's just…everything seems like it's going a million miles per hour."

"Well then slow things down Clare. You have made a lot of progress in not that much time! You are doing great so if you feel you need to slow things down in that aspect of your life then do it."

"I don't want him to think I'm not interested though. I want him to know that I want him I just don't want to commit to too much too soon."

"Well tell him that Clare… I'm sure he will understand."

I bid Dr. Hunter goodbye for the week and I walked out into the lobby. I was her last patient and Eli was filing papers as usual. Work today kicked my butt so I was a little tired. I fell asleep on the comfy little loveseat. I woke up to Eli gently shaking me.

"Get up sleepy head. Time to go."

"Okay."

"So are you up for a bite to eat?"

"My treat?"

"No…mine…"

"Eli."

"If I don't pay my dad will kill me."

"Fine. Where to?"

"How about…waffles?"

"How did I know you'd say that?"

We went to the restaurant. I listened to Eli tell me about his day. I supposed times would get interesting working in a psychologist office. I was trying to find a way to word what I needed to say.

"Eli?"

"Huh?"

"I want to be with you but…"

"But what?"

"I think we should slow things down."

"How?"

"Like…I don't know we are just moving too fast."

He started moving in slow motion and pretending to talk in slow motion. I couldn't help but laugh at this silly scene he was making.

"Issss thisssss sloooow ennnooough fooor yooooou?"

"Eli stop it, people are starting to stare."

"Ha, are they? I understand what you mean, we can slow down but I'm not giving up my waffle dates with you."

"I wouldn't want you to Eli. I like our waffle outings."

"Not waffle outings…waffle dates."

"Waffle hang-outs."

"You can't say the word date."

"Oh look…the food is coming."

"You can't use that to get out of this…why won't you say 'date'?

"I don't know okay! I just…"

"Dr. Hunter will be hearing about this."

"That's cheating. I have to tell her stuff like that."

"Yeah I know."

"Eli just know that I only like eating waffles like this with you."

"Aww okay. So long as I'm the only guy you are eating waffles with you can call it whatever you want."

"Thank you."

"No problem. Hey, I have something for you."

"What?"

He pulled out a tiny box. It was wrapped in pink paper with a bow on top. I opened it carefully so that I wouldn't rip the beautiful paper. When I finally got it off there was only a black velvet box. I opened it up and inside there was s silver bracelet with a little turtle charm on it.

"What's this for?"

"Six months sober. I feel like that's something to celebrate."

"It's been that long?"  
"Yes it has… I was thinking maybe for every two months I will add another charm…or just because. Do you like it?"

"I love it. How did you know I liked turtles?"

"When we were in school one day I heard you talking about turtles as you walked past me."

"Oh. Thank you Eli."

"Don't mention it Clare. Can I have a hug?"

"I guess you've earned a little hug."

I held onto him like there was no tomorrow. He smelled good as always…. He put the bracelet around my wrist and then we sat back down and started eating. While I stuffed my face with waffles I started to think. It has been six months since I started getting therapy and stopped doing the oxy. I guess maybe that is something to celebrate.

I finished eating before Eli surprisingly and I watched him as he focused on clearing his plate. I studied his face, his eyes, his mouth… He is a looker but even more than that he's sweet. I just want to be able to love him the way I feel he loves me. I don't want to be slacking while he doles out all the affection. I just need to figure out how to love Elijah Goldsworthy right…

**I know its short. Sorry! Please leave a review. =)**


	12. Chapter 12

**Clare**

I put one step in front of the other. I can do this! I can do this! I opened the door. It never seemed so heavy before. I stepped onto the short haired carpet. The sunlight from outside was dimmed by the stain glass windows. Church… I haven't been here in so long. It smelled like bibles and Rosemary. Today wasn't Sunday but I just wanted to come to pray and confess my sins to the priest. I stepped into the confessional and I sat there a moment. Seeing Father Troy patiently waiting for me to speak.

"Forgive me father for I have sinned."

"Clare Edwards?"

"Hello Father Troy."

"It's been ages. It's good to see you back.

"Thank you Father."

I went on with my confession and when I was done I felt better. I felt guilty for enticing men to have adulterous thoughts. I know many of the men who came to that club, who sat in front of that window had wives and children yet I danced for them anyway. I danced and I swayed around half clothed and they pleasured themselves. I felt ashamed so I had to ask forgiveness.

I walked out of the confession booth and into the sanctuary. The rows were empty mostly. I sat in one of the middle rows and I looked at the stain glass that I'd so often wondered about in my youth. I looked at the crucifixes too. After my eyes had wandered for a while I closed them and I bowed my head in prayer. I'd never been nervous about speaking to the Lord but this time I was. Would he remember me or would he have forgotten me the way he may think I'd forgotten him?

I told god the contents, burdens and desires of my heart in the prayer. Tears streamed down my cheeks and I sobbed silently. It was a release…a release I'd long waited for but could never commit to. It was a relief.

When I was done I wiped my eyes and I walked out of the church. Eli's range rover was in the parking lot. He waited out there all this time. I told him he could have come in with me but he didn't think it would be a good idea since he's not a Christian. I jumped into the truck beside him and he grabbed my hand.

"I'm okay Eli... really."

"Just checking. How do you feel?"

"I feel okay."

"Great."

We didn't go for waffles today. Instead we went to see a movie at the theater. Eli picked it so I knew it had to be some bloody, gory movie and when it started I knew I was right. There was blood, bones, guts, brains and other cringe worthy images right through the entire picture. As we were walking out he grabbed my hand and held it. Everything seemed wonderful until I saw a familiar face… A face that shouldn't be in this place right now.

The guy was one of my attackers. I never knew his name but that face… I will never forget. He was the last one. I stood still, glued to the floor by an emotion resembling fear. Eli asked me what was wrong.

"Clare, what's the matter? Talk to me? Please?"

"One of them."

"One of who?"

"Them!"

"Which guy?"

I showed Eli the guy and he ushered me out through the door on the opposite side. Once I was inside the car he gave me the keys and he went back into the theater. I don't know what he's up to.

I tried to stop my trembling and hyperventilating but it was hard and I found it becoming increasingly harder to simply take a breath. Why is this person out of jail? It hasn't been five years… He shouldn't be out. He just shouldn't be out! I rocked back and forth, halfway paranoid and fully agitated. I was getting better… I am better but… why is he out? None of them should get out.

**Eli**

"Huh! How do you fucking like it not to be in control of your own body you twat sock!"

"Man what's your fucking problem! Who the fuck are you?"

"Who the fuck am I? I'm not important but you done something wrong to a friend of mine! Who is this girl you're with?"

"I'm his girlfriend… What the fuck is going on? I just called the police!"

"Did you know he went to jail for raping a sixteen year old girl?"

"Fuck you man! I payed my debt to society!"

"Yeah to society but not to your victim you piece of shit! Leave town or I'll have you run out."

"Who the fuck are you?"

"Stick around and find out."

He looked scared, which was a good thing. I haven't fought in a while but I managed to find some punches and kicks to deliver to his sorry ass. I left the scene shortly before the police arrived. Clare was crying and trembling. She was in deep thought probably. I tried to grab her hand and she snatched away before shooting me an apologetic look.

"It's okay. I understand Clare."

She was hyperventilating and her teeth were chattering. I wish that bastard was dead for what he and those other sick perverts done to her… She looked over at me, chattering teeth and all.

"You.. your lip i..is b…b..bleeding."

"I know. I may have kicked some ass in your honor."

I pulled over and she latched onto me crying. Her tears wet my shirt like a faucet wets a towel. I held her and rubbed her back until she calmed down. After the crying she was tired so I placed my jacket over her and I let her take a nap while I drove. I ended up at a park. The geese and ducks looked like they'd be aggressive so I stayed in the car and guarded Clare. She looked so childlike when she was sleeping. All the worry disappears from her face and it's just angelic Clare.

**Clare**

When I woke up it was night and we were driving. I raised my seat up, careful to keep Eli's jacket over me. The air conditioning in this car is good. Eli was intent on the road. I looked over and I decided to say something to him.

"When I saw him I got so scared. It was different from seeing Johnny because Johnny was behind glass. This guy was in the same building as me and even though he wasn't bothering me, something inside made me just feel so helpless."

"Clare I understand. You don't have to explain. Just know that… if I'm with you, you have nothing to fear."

"Thanks."

Even though I'm starving Eli somehow knew that a waffle restaurant wouldn't be up my alley today so he took me to his apartment and we ordered Chinese food. I just wanted egg drop soup but he got some kind of sampler platter. After we ate I took Dr. Hunter's advice and I "confided in my partner." I told him everything and he understood luckily. He also understood that at that very moment I needed to be held in his arms so that's what he done. He held me and continually reassured me that it would all be fine. I think I could start to fall in love with Eli.

**Reviews please?**


	13. Chapter 13

**Clare**

I sat in Dr. Hunter's office silently. Ever since the weekend I haven't been in the best mood. I've been putting on a brave face but these negative thoughts about what happened and my compulsive thoughts have been eating me up.

"Clare it's normal to take a step back after making so much progress. Okay?"

"Okay."

"What ran through your mind when you saw this attacker? Do you know his name yet?"

"No… not even now. They said it in the trial but I don't think I wanted to hear it so I zoned out…"

"Well what ran through your mind this weekend?"

"The day after I came home from the hospital… After the entire ugly ordeal."

"Tell me about it."

"Well…"

_ The car ride with my parents was completely silent. Neither one of them knew what to say to me but they both looked like they wanted to reach out and touch me. That car ride felt like the longest in creation because I just wanted to get out of the nice clean Sudan and scrub my skin off. I wanted to scrub their fingerprints off of my skin and I wanted to wash their diseases out of me._

_ I silently prayed that I didn't have any diseases. I silently prayed also that this was a bad dream and that I'd wake up very soon. Sure, when I woke up I'd be in a cold sweat and still tired but it would have been a dream! I never woke up from the dream. Instead we pulled into the driveway and I walked into the house._

_ I ran up the stairs and I jetted into the bathroom. Closing and locking the door. I turned on the shower. I got the water as hot as it would go. I looked under the sink and I retrieved an unopened of steel wool pad and a cylinder of Comet bathroom cleaner. I generously sprinkled the powder onto my filthy, dirt ridden skin and I scrubbed hard with the steel wool. I scrubbed until the water falling and hitting the drain of the shower was red and not clear. I tried to take my skin off but I was unsuccessful. The chemical started to burn my skin and sting the open wounds I'd just inflicted on myself. The hot water started to scald me still I stayed under the spray. My bloodied skin stopped bleeding yet persisted in irritation. When the water stopped being a torturously hot temperature I got out. I wrapped my bloody looking body with the medical bandages we had in the bathroom. I put on a pair of pajamas that were in the bathroom the day before yesterday. Though they were simple cotton pajamas I looked at them strangely. For that moment they weren't ordinary pajamas but a haunting reminder that only a mere thirty six hours ago things were so different. I was different. After I did I went to my room and cried. I took off my cross necklace, no longer being able to stand wearing it. Having it around my neck just went against everything that it stood for. For me to wear it after this would be spitting in my Nana's face. I was soiled._

Dr. Hunter's response to that was silence for a few seconds. She always took a few seconds of silence to reflect on the story I'd just told her. Sometimes I need a few seconds myself to keep my tears from spilling over.

"Clare what happened to you was horrible and I won't tell you it wasn't. You've truly been through a horrible thing… horrible things but I want you to do something."

"What?"

"I want you to refuse to let them have your happiness."

"You've told me that before."

"Well I think you need to hear it again. Clare you are beautiful, young and intelligent. Your future is bright but you can't let them control it. I want you to reclaim your life. Anytime you think about them tell yourself that they've taken so much from you already that you will not let them have your joy. Say it."

"They've taken so much from me already. I won't let them have my joy."

"Louder."

"They've taken so much already! I won't let them have my joy!"

"Perfect Clare. I never hug patients but I'm so proud of you. You've come so far."

"It's okay."

After an awkward hug we sat back in our seats. I went to fiddling with the zipper of my jacket while she clicked her pen, suddenly the subject of Eli came up.

"So how's the relationship?"

"It's nice… Eli's understanding."

"Yes, from what I've observed he is and he's just a nice guy overall."

"I still worry."

"About what?"

"That one day he will wake up and decide he doesn't want me I'm just so…"

"Clare he doesn't care and he loves you. You're very intelligent. You passed the GED test last week with flying colors and you didn't even have any prior instruction! It sometimes takes people in classes years to complete! Do you realize what an accomplishment that is?"

"I guess its okay."

"Clare that's extraordinary. Don't fret about Eli. He's in love with you and he thinks you poop glitter and all of that jazz. Don't let your insecurities push him away if he makes you happy then you deserve him."

"I'll try. So he talks about me?"

"Yes, a lot. I try to tell him not to tell me about my patients but I've lost the war when it comes to you."

"Wow…"

I walked out of Dr. Hunter's office and into the lobby. Donna, the secretary offered me a donut. I got one with chocolate on top. Eli was filing notes and studying cases. I sat down and I ate my donut while looked at the muted television. This has become a routine. Since I'm working in the mornings I come in the afternoons and I'm always the last patient. My back ached from standing all morning but I like the burn I guess. It makes me feel like I've accomplished something today.

Eli came out with his little backpack. He was ready to go so we left. Once we were in the car he kept mentioning steak. I'm guessing he isn't having a "waffles" kind of night. We went to my place. I saw that my parents' car wasn't there and neither was Darcy's.

"Well goodnight Eli."

"This isn't goodnight. I just figured you want to change out of that work uniform before we go and eat."

"Oh… Yes that would be nice. I don't want to distract the people with my french-fry smell. You can come in while I get ready. I have to shower first. Spinner taught me how to clean under the grill and things got ugly."

"Okay beautiful."

**Eli**

She walked up the stairs, blushing at my comment and smiling. I sat down on her couch and I read the newspaper that he father had picked apart today. The news was the same old jazz. War talk, money talk, obituaries and gossip…. But the funnies are interesting. Garfield will never get old!

About two minutes after Clare went upstairs I heard water start up and I heard Clare's voice faintly. She sounded like a bird singing "His eye is on the Sparrow" and it was beautiful. The house was peacefully quiet except for that. It was nice.

The shower turned off some minutes later and the singing stopped. Ten minutes after that she came downstairs. Her hair was damp but placed neatly in a bun on the top of her head. She had on tiny pearl earrings with her cross necklace shining brightly, still catching any light it could get and reflecting rainbows. The dress she wore stopped just above her knees it complimented her body perfectly. It was windy tonight so she had on a sweater and I suppose her feet were hurting from being on them all day so she had on ballet flats. In short, she looked lovely.

She looks beautiful and she doesn't suspect a thing. The steak house is just an excuse… well not an all out excuse. It's more of a cover up. See, we are really going to a steak house but it's not just to eat. Her parents and I have been planning for a week to throw this surprise party for Clare. My parents even contributed by renting out a room in the restaurant and paying for the food. It's for her passing the GED test with flying colors. Everybody wanted to do something for her and this seemed the most appropriate. I was in charge of getting Clare here and inviting people I think she'd want to be here which was Peter, Spinner, Alli and whoever she brings. Then her family of course and my parents.

I helped her out of the car and I couldn't resist pulling her into a hug and kissing her softly on the lips. She peered up at me with those deep blue eyes.

"You know Dr. Hunter told me you spill about us."

"I knew she'd eventually tell… I don't care though. I'm in love with you."

"Oh Eli…"

We walked into the restaurant hand in hand. Once in there the waiter led us to where the party was being held. Once the door to the private room was opened everyone yelled out surprise. I saw Clare's face flush red! She placed her hands over her mouth to cover her smile. Both our parents walked up and hugged her. My mother complimented her on how beautiful she looked. She always has liked Clare it seems, ever since I told her about the blue eyed beauty leaping back into my life in that most unexpected way.

Once everyone had greeted the guest of honor we sat down. Clare greeted everyone there warmly and everyone there warmly greeted Clare. It was like a family reunion of sorts. Everyone wanted to be close to her but I was lucky because I got to sit beside her and I couldn't keep my hands off of her.

"So whose idea was this in the first place?"

"Well…Clare, daddy and I wanted to do something special for you so we dragged Eli into this and he got busy throwing out ideas and helping make plans."

"Sneaky sneaky. Thank you Eli, Mom and Dad, thank you everybody for coming tonight."

Clare grabbed my hand under the table. Our fingers linked and that's how we sat until the drinks and appetizers came. Everybody laughed, celebrated and commenced in merriment over the amazing food at this place. After the main course everybody decided to take some time before desert. People started giving Clare gifts. While some people gave money with cute little cards I had something a bit more personal.

I handed her the small velvet box with a note attached. Well, it wasn't really a note just a picture of her I'd sketched up. She opened the box and smiled at me widely when she saw it was a tiny charm with a certificate and a graduation cap on it. Everyone awed and snapped pictures. I put the charm on her bracelet. At least now that turtle doesn't look so lonely.

She hugged me and whispered "thank you" in my ear. I wrapped my arms around her tight, forgetting that I had to let go until the sound of people clearing their throats reminded me that we weren't alone. I guess I just got lost in the moment. That happens to me a lot lately when Clare is involved.

After all gifts were awarded the waiter bought out the cake and gelato. It was a super sweet treat and it was yummy. Clare seemed to enjoy it so that's all that mattered. I would say overall that the night was successful. After all the cake and gelato was gone I thanked my parents for paying for the food. I left the tip for the waiter. He did a good job tonight.

Clare hugged her parents and sister goodbye and promised to see them later on at the house. My mother kissed my forehead and told me she'd see me later. As we were walking out to the car I noticed Clare sniggling while carrying out her gifts and cash.

"What?"

"Nothing. You just have a huge red kiss mark in the middle of your head."

"Oh mom."

"Ha ha… It's cute."

"Just go ahead and laugh at my pain mean girl. Were you surprised?"

"Very. Thank you Eli."

"Clare I couldn't just let that go unrecognized. Dr. Hunter sent you a gift by the way. She and Dr. Hunter were supposed to come but they had a Charity Gala they'd paid eight hundred bucks a plate for."

"That's understandable…. Eli."

"Hm?"

"I really do love this charm."

"I hoped you would."

**Clare**

Eli helped me into the car. Once we were in there he presented me with Dr. Hunter's gift. It was a mirror with encouraging things written around the edges in faint white letters. It's beautiful. I will be sure to hang it up in my room. I leaned on Eli's shoulder and he kissed the top of my head. I started to wonder about something.

"Eli."

"Yes Clare?"

"Do you ever think about sex?"

"Yes."

"With me?"

"Who else?"

"Oh…"

"Why?"

"Just wondering. I think about you that way too but I'm confused."

"About what?"

"I think I still want to wait until marriage. I heard somewhere that you are still technically a virgin until you actually decide to have sex."

"That's true. I support your decision whatever it is Clare. I will wait for you."

"Thank you. I don't want to be selfish though… I know you have needs."

"All I need is you."

"You always know just what to say."

"Because you inspire words for me."

I kissed him on the cheek and I latched onto him. He smelled good. I buried my face in his arm and I held on for dear life. Sometimes I wonder if it affects his driving but I don't think it does. In fact, he seems to enjoy it.

"When do you think you'd be ready to get married?"

"I don't know. I just want to know for sure that I'm in love before I do… so When I'm so in love that I'm halfway foolish…"

"Oh. So want to go on a date to the late movie tonight?"

"Yes we can go on an outing to the late movie."

"Date."

"Outing."

Tonight was a good night. I know for sure that Eli sincerely cares about me. If he didn't he wouldn't have gone through any of this trouble to set this up with my parents. He's a good man and I hope one day that it is me he marries.

**Reviews please? Tell me what you think! Comments, questions, concerns?**


	14. Chapter 14

**Did I ever mention that I Do Not Own Degrassi? Well... I don't =(**

**Clare**

I'm so nervous! Today is my first day of college. I got in through late acceptance luckily and my dad was able to pull a few strings to get me a scholarship. I won't be staying on campus but it's okay because I don't think I'm ready for all that.

I sat down for breakfast with my family and Eli. He was driving me to school since this is his university too. He seemed almost overjoyed when I told him that's where I'd be attending. I just hope things got as planned. No drama, no madness… I know college is supposed to be stressful but I hope it doesn't make me go crazy or anything.

After breakfast I kissed everyone goodbye and I got into Eli's truck. He grabbed my hand reassuringly and he smiled. I managed to give him a somewhat nervous smile and he chuckled.

"I have something for you."

"What? Pencils and scantron slips?"

"No…"

He handed me another tiny velvet box. I was half expecting to see another charm but instead there was a sterling silver ring with a little emerald turtle on it. I touched it gently, almost expecting it to break. I also noticed there was a silver chain in the box.

"Eli… This is beautiful."

"Just like you… but don't tell the turtle that you're prettier. He might get jealous."

"Eli… I."

"Here, let me put it on you. Do you want it on your fingers or your neck?"

"Neck, that way I can keep an eye on him."

He chuckled and put the little ring on the silver chain as her put it around my neck. I looked at myself in the mirror. The turtle ring was beautiful. I kissed Eli on the lips and after he got over his initial shock he kissed me back.

"Maybe I should buy you turtle stuff more often."

"Eli you are so…good. I just… You are beautiful."

"Nah I'm the hunch back of Notre Dame compared to you Clare."

"Shut up and let me be romantic."

"Excuse me."

"Now I have a present for you too."

I pulled a little green bag from my backpack. He opened it briskly and pulled out the tie I got. It was black with smileys on it and those smileys had spirals coming out of their heads which would imply that they are crazy. I just thought he'd be able to appreciate the joke of a tie like that.

"This tie is awesome. I might have to start wearing ties. I wish it was a clip-on then I could put it on now."

"You don't know how to tie a tie?"

"No, not one bit."

I draped the tie around his neck and I tied it for him. That's when I realized we'd been sitting in my driveway all this time. My dad was signaling for us to move so that he could get out. Eli came back to reality and took off.

When I got to the campus all of my nerves came back. I wanted to throw up right on the statue of the school's founder but I managed to hold it in. Eli walked me to my first class, which was English. He hugged me and kissed me before giving me one more reassuring look.

I walked into the classroom and I took my seat. It felt like everyone was staring at me and judging me. My mind started to go into a panic. I knew this was a bad idea coming here… I sat in the seat and freaked out.

"Hey, are you a freshman too?"

"Are you talking to me?"

"Who else? I'm Amanda. I'm a freshman."

"I'm Clare and I am too."

"Hi Clare. I've heard this English class require like lots of fact checking and imagination, well with this teacher anyway. What's your major?"

"English with a concentration in creative writing."

"Lucky you. I have to major in engineering. My dad won't let me major in theatre like I really want."

"That sucks."

Amanda and I chatted until the professor came into the room and started talking and passing out the syllabi. She seemed like a tough lady but I'm sure I can pass her if I apply myself and do my work when it's supposed to be done. She definitely won't be as lenient as Ms. Dawes was. I used to love that class. Her with her crazy antics…

The rest of my classes seemed like they'd be challenging but passable too. One thing is for sure… I'm going to need help carrying all of these books I have to purchase. It's a good thing I have Eli with me.

While I waited in the school's café bookstore for Eli to get out of class I took some time to write in my journal. I've taken up doing that again.

Sometimes I think I'm going crazy and other times I just get butterflies. Whenever I think about Eli it's just always good feelings. Not only that but I think about him a lot more lately. In fact he's all I can think about some days and it scares me because I don't want to be one of those clingy, crazy girls! He says he loves me and I know it must be true I just hope I'm not pushing him away or anything. I guess I'm still a little scared because I haven't felt like this since I was fifteen and that was so short live but this has been going for nearly a year… Eli's nurturing and caring for me. I'm just still terrified but I don't want Eli to go away. I want him close to me all the time but like I've said, I don't want to be clingy and crazy. I guess I fell in love with him or something. I feel halfway foolish.

**Eli**

School was the same old jazz. Class, assignments and books to buy. I went to the café where I was supposed to meet Clare after our classes. I spotted her sitting at a table by herself. She was writing in her diary. I took the opportunity to look over her shoulder and see if it was about me. It was…. Clare is in love with me. She closed her journal abruptly and looked back at me with fire in her eyes.

"I can explain."

"Yeah whatever, you diary reader. I hope you saw something worth your while."

"As a matter of a fact I did. You are in love with me?"

"Doesn't the world know that already Eli?"

"They might have but I didn't."

"Well don't get all weird. It was bound to happen sooner or later."

"Don't worry. I'm in love with you too."

"So what do we do now?"

"We love each other."

In the end what else can we do? We sat at the table in the café discussing her day and drinking blended coffee drinks. I used to be hooked on them when I was a freshman until I saw how fat they were making me.

I couldn't help but be somewhat excited about the fact that Clare was finally admitting she was in love with me too. I wanted to go to the top of a mountain and sing it for at the climbing goats and hikers to hear! I wanted to put it on a blimp so that when everybody looked up they'd see it and everybody would know. I guess that's a little dramatic but it's how I feel. We started walking back to my car. Luckily I have the day off today.

"So Clare, how in love are you?"

"You're fishing for a level now?"

"Yes."

"Foolishly."

"You know, that's what I like to hear."

"You're crazy."

"No wonder I'm at a psychologist's office most of the week."

"Eli…"

"Huh?"

"Don't change okay? Just stay good…okay?"

"Well, I'm not good now but I won't change."

"You are good Eli. The best."

We embraced before getting into my car and taking off. She's foolishly in love with _me_.

**Leave a review please?**


	15. Chapter 15

_So guys, this is the last chapter. I just wanted to say thanks to everybody for reading the story. Thanks everybody for reviewing and giving me honest feedback. I hope you've enjoyed reading because I've enjoyed writing for you guys as always. You are awesome! =)_

**Clare**

I graded the last paper and I put the mark in the computer. Darcy and Alli rushed into the bedroom to drag me out I'm assuming. I just didn't want my students to have to wait for their grades any longer. That's right, I'm Instructor Edwards… Well, after today I will be instructor Goldsworthy. I turned off the laptop and I done a final look in the mirror. The dress is so…white. Eli promised to kill me is I got anything other than pure white. I like this dress though. My mother came into the room, tears of joy were streaming down her face and she blotted, trying not to ruin her makeup. She placed my grandmother's pearl and diamond combs in my hair. It fit the dress perfectly.

My father knocked on the door to tell us the music was starting. I said goodbye to my single self one more time. Not that I'd really miss her. Alli, Darcy and my mother walked ahead of me, each looking beautiful in their bridesmaid's dresses as they practically floated down the aisle to the sound of Cannon D. Eli's cousin Lula was the flower girl. She was adorable. After her it was my turn.

The music started and my dad and I started to walk down the aisle. I was nervous because everyone was looking at me. I focused on Eli and I felt better. When I finally made it to the alter I felt like I was going to collapse. My father gave me away and kissed me on the cheek. He tried not to let me see the tiny tears falling from his cheeks but I did.

The minister started to do the ceremony. It was hard to pay attention. Eli was just giving me chills.

**Eli**

Clare looked beautiful. I told myself I wouldn't cry but I couldn't help myself. I started thinking about that day on the rooftop. Even though that seems like centuries ago, it was the new beginning for us. She was wearing her charm bracelet. I told her she could take it off for the ceremony but she insisted on wearing. It's loaded down with charms, some from celebrations, and some from vacations with plenty of them just because.

The minister started to give the ceremony and though it was hard I made myself focus. Each word made me more anxious for the big and final "I do" to arrive. I slipped the ring on Clare's finer and she accepted. She got me a ring too, though I tried to talk her out of it and I of course accepted. After that came my favorite part.

"You may now kiss the bride."

"Well finally."

I pulled her close and dipped her back. Our lips met and the people went wild. I picked her up and carried her into the house. She giggled while I attempted to run up the stairs, getting winded halfway.

"I can walk you know?"

"I know… I just wanted to carry you."

"Why are we in the house?"

"To change."

"Oh yeah… I forgot. Detachable dress."

"Oh well to change and consummate the marriage."

"Oh Eli! Can't you wait until tonight? We'll catch a plane, go to Hawaii and spend our honeymoon by the beach with fruity drinks and grass skirts."

"Well since I get to see you in a grass skirt I guess I can wait."

**Clare**

Eli and I went to the room where our after ceremony things were. I took the train off of my dress so that only the skirt was left. Not much of a change, I know. Eli changed shirts since the one he was wearing was covered with sweat. He knew that'd happen.

Once we were done changing we joined the party. People congratulated us. Eli's parents' friends handed us money in fancy envelopes while Dr. Hunter and… Dr. Hunter wished us luck. Before I knew it, the music had come on and it was time for Eli and me to have our first dance.

He grabbed my hand and pulled me close to him. We swayed to the music. Though I was in heels it felt like I was floating. I held onto him and he held onto me. Every so often he would kiss the back of my neck tenderly.

I barely noticed when the song ended. I heard people clapping and I opened my eyes. Eli and I smiled at each other. After the dance we got a little break to eat, which was a good thing because my tummy was rumbling. The food was delicious. Everybody ate and commenced in the merriment. If there's one thing that will bring people together at a wedding, its food.

After that it was time for the cake! We cut a piece and Eli and I struggled to get it in each other's mouths. The champagne was even more difficult. After that was done everyone got their slice and the towered wedding cake, aside from the top layer, disappeared before our eyes.

The single ladies gathered in the backyard. They were huddled together, some anxiously jumped and some giggled. My sister Darcy on the other hand, who wanted to be a so called "chronic bachelorette", stood to the side unenthused about the aspect of catching the bouquet. I turned my back to the ladies and I tossed the bouquet of white roses behind me. I turned around to see who the lucky gal was who caught it. I was surprised to see that Darcy had caught it. She quickly threw it to the ground, claiming that it hadn't been a fair toss. She finally accepted the bunch of flowers when I refused to re-throw it. The bouquet knows who it wants I guess.

Next I sat in a chair and Eli smiled at me deviously before sticking his head under my dress. I felt his teeth nip my skin as he pulled my garter belt down. The guys in the crowd "Oohhed" and "awed". When he'd gotten it completely off of my leg he whipped it towards the fellas. It landed in Adam's hands. He accepted the results from the game of fate. He and Darcy danced. Now that I see them together they are kind of cute.

Eli and I danced with our family and friends. We celebrated this day and we even ate a second time. After a few hours though, Darcy told us the time. We went upstairs to change again. I put on a flowy white sundress with white sandals. I had a jean jacket in case the plane got chilly. Eli changed into jeans and a white tee shirt.

We went back downstairs where everyone was gathered around the staircase waiting to see us off. I kissed my parents goodbye and I also kissed Eli's parents goodbye. We went out to Morty who was covered in white condoms, balloons, tissue and streamers. I heard Eli mutter "Dammit Adam" under his breath before we got into the car. We took off while our loved ones slowly disappeared from our rearview mirror while sending us off in the more splendid way ever.

I laid my head on Eli's arm while he drove. In these six years he's never complained about it. It's sort of become our thing I guess. We got to the airport and he parked. I chuckled to myself when I saw how ridiculous the condom covered car looked in the parking lot of the airport. We got our luggage and I grabbed my overnight bag.

Surprisingly the crowd at the airport wasn't too bad. The checkpoints were ridiculous but I guess I'd rather be safe than sorry. After we were cleared it was on to Hawaii! We got on the plane and cuddled up under the blanket I bought on board. I was right; the plane's freezing!

"So we did it… You're a Goldsworthy now."

"Yeah yeah yeah… you're an Edwards now."

"You bet I am. Clare I love you."

"I know… I love you too."

"I just wanted to tell you that since I haven't said it today."

"You haven't huh?"

"No… Did you get everything?"

"Like what?"

"For our big night Clare! We'll need protection an…"

"No, no condoms. Let's just leave things to chance."

"Are you really ready for the pitter patter of little feet though?"

"Yes. I am. Plus you know Adam's been dying to become an uncle."

"Yeah, tell me about it."

We kissed and went to sleep for half of the flight. I guess it's a good thing because we missed all of that pain with our ears popping and crap, at least the first half of it. The second half of the flight we worked crossword puzzles together, talked and we chewed gum to get rid of the pain in our ears. I was relieved when we landed.

When we stepped through the gate at the airport we got leid… There was a guy waiting with "Goldsworthy" on a piece of paper. We went with him. He led us to the car and he helped us load our luggage in. This was really…nice.

We took off and the view of the city was beautiful! We rode for about thirty minutes and then we went up this long driveway to this beautiful villa. When then car stopped I ran to the house, pulling Eli with me. I forgot about the luggage completely but luckily the driver didn't. Eli pulled out his keys and unlocked the door. I looked at him with a raised brow.

"What? My grandfather left this to me when he passed away."

"You've owned a villa in Maui all this time?"

"I was waiting to tell you at the right moment."

"Oh Eli... It's beautiful."

"Would you be mad if I said I didn't really go to Vegas with the boys two months ago?"

"That depends where you were."

"I was here decorating it with what I thought your tastes were."

"You expect me to believe that you were decorating?"

"Okay… I hired decorators but I overseen it. Are you ready to go in?"

"Yes."

Eli opened the door I thought I was going to pass out! The living room was a vision in white and brown. The kitchen had all stainless steel appliances and at the end of the hall I could see an opening to either a garden or a greenhouse. I walked around the house exploring it. Each room was beautiful but the bedroom was the most captivating of all.

I didn't even notice that the driver had bought the luggage into the house until Eli toted them into the bedroom, stumbling and winded. The bedroom was beautiful. The sheets and comforter was white. The bed post and pedestal were bamboo as well as the ceiling fan, nightstand, floors and dresser. I fell back on the bed and it was like a cloud. Eli landed on the bed beside me. I rolled over to face him.

"Eli I love it."

"Good. I hoped you would."

I went into the kitchen and I looked in the fridge. It was fully stocked with anything you would ever want to eat. I managed to find pancake mix and a waffle maker in the huge kitchen. I cooked Eli and me up some waffles and sausage. He scarfed down the food like he'd never had waffles before.

After I was done eating I showered and washed the holding spray out of my hair. I looked through my luggage and I got the lingerie I'd picked out especially for this moment. I rang my hair with a towel until it was nearly dry. I put lotion on all over my body and I slipped on the sexy outfit. It was a pink lacy bra with matching boy shorts. I almost went for the black ones but they reminded me too must of my past. For a moment I thought about everything. I started to feel the negative emotions creep into my head but I stopped them. What Eli and I are going to do will be beautiful and he'd never hurt me. I know that, I feel that….

I slipped on one of the terry cloth robes that were in the bathroom and I went into the living room where Eli was watching television. I stood in front of him and I untied the robe slowly, letting it fall onto the floor. He looked up at me and smiled. He stood up and gathered me into his arms before taking me into the bedroom.

A huge wave of apprehension washed over me when I saw him undressing. I've asked people and they all say it's normal to be nervous. I want to do this I just… I guess I'm a little scared. Eli stood in front of me, completely naked and I suddenly became more nervous upon seeing his largeness.

He pulled me up and he unhooked my bra. He slowly pulled it off of me and threw it to the side. He kissed my lips softly and gently with a surprising amount of passion. I gasped from losing my breath. He chuckled and caressed my face. I smiled at him weakly and he pulled me closer to him. My bare breasts were against his chest and it felt different… It felt warm. As the kiss intensified his hands started to explore my body. His fingers glided across my nipples, tickling me and making me even more aroused than I was. He started to kiss lower, first as my neck, then my chest until he reached my breasts. He kissed them gently, giving each one equal attention. I moaned and ran my fingers through his hair. He started to kiss his way back up and when he pulled me close to him this time I felt his hardness pressing against my core and I knew it was time.

We fell back on the bed and he gently pulled my panties off, tossing them with the other clothes in a pile on the floor. He positioned himself and then I felt him start to enter me. It didn't hurt much; it was just a little tight. Once he was entirely inside me he kissed me and he started to move in and out in rhythm. I was grinding my hips, contributing to this passionate moment. Eli quickened the pace and I sped up the match him. Our moans and my whimpers filled the air of the villa as Eli and I drifted into ecstasy simultaneously. After we came Eli lay on top of me. I held him tight and kissed him. We were both out of breath and sweaty but at the same time we were both equally satisfied.

"That was…wow."

"I wasn't too rough or anything?"

"No Eli. You were great."

"Okay… I just didn't want to hurt you."

"I know. Its official now Eli. We are married. Our marriage is consummated!"

"Yes it is."

We rolled around, still wrapped in each other and we laughed and played between the sheets of the luxurious bed. That was awesome!

**Eli**

After Clare and I regained our energy we showered together and we took a stroll on the beach. It was funny to see her reaction when I chased her with a tiny little crab. I know it was mean but it was hilarious.

After playing on the beach we had another shower…together, where we had another round of awesome sex. Later on in the night we lay in the bed and watched a movie. Clare chose the 1939 version of The Women. To me it was boring but if she wants to see that she can. I kissed my beautiful wife's face and I held her tight. Man, I'm glad I pulled her off the roof that day.

**Clare**

The room was lit up by the glowing of the moon into the window. It gave Eli's skin a strange shimmer. It looked nice though. I got up from the bed and I wrapped the mangled bed sheet around my body. I sat on the patio and I looked at the waves crashing against the shore while the moon reflected against the water. I had my first time today. I got married yesterday. I've been in love for five and a half years.

Who would have known I could ever be happy after what happened to me? Who could have known I would ever get a chance at some normalcy and a good life? Who would have known that I would have been able to fall in love with one of the sweetest and most kind hearted people ever? I'm glad I didn't take that huge first step off the ledge that day. I'd like to think, in a strange way Eli has been like…my angel.

**So that's the end of the story. Thanks for reading you guys. I mean that. What did you think?**


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